You tell me he is the sun, the stars and the moon. You tell me he is your happiness, your golden hour, your baby. You run up to me and squeal with excitement when he invites you over. You hug me and grin from ear to ear when you reveal that you “did it.” You describe what it’s like to kiss him, the feel of his hair under your cold fingers, the taste of his breath and what cologne he wears.
All this is wonderful. I love the way your eyes light up when you talk about him, and I love watching you fall deeper in love with him. It is everything I wanted for my best friend. But you have to know something. He is not your sun, your stars, your moon. He is not your happiness. Your crooked tooth grin and your fat, salty tears do not belong to him. Your emotions are entirely yours, controlled exclusively by you.
Before he came along, you pain was your own. You cannot say that it now belongs to him. It was you alone who caused that. He will love you for your sadness, but he cannot fix you. This feeling is temporary. At best, the two of you will settle down, and eventually the excitement of being young and in love will fade. You will fall into a more rooted love, predictable and comforting. Your mind will be free from the racing of thoughts you have now, and it will have plenty of room to self-destruct.
I love you. I have always loved you, and I always will. That’s why I need to tell you this. Love is not always easy, it’s hard and messy and it can hurt. I know that from experience. But I need you to know that you are whole on your own. He does not complete you, you are already complete. He will try to make you happy when he sees your sadness, he will try to bring you light in your darkness. But nothing he can do is permanent. If you give him all your scars on a silver platter he may be crushed by their weight. Unless you tell him that he can’t change anything, then you are only bringing him down with you.
I know you didn’t do anything wrong to become this way. I have watched you fall apart day by day, but I have always known that my power is limited, so I have been okay. It kills me to see you so happy, because I know he may very well break your heart. I encourage you to love him, but you must be truthful first.
And please, ask yourself this: when will “I love me” be enough?