Peer Review by vivianelaine (United States)

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pride and my lack thereof

By: melancholyviolets


FREE WRITING

i am deeply envious of those who can have pride
those who can walk around
be who they are
love who they want
and they don't care what others say about them.
unfortunately, i do not possess this unreachable state, confidence.
i am horrified of what would happen if they found out what i am:
inappropriate.
stuck in the hot muggy hellhole known for its enforcers of what is right and correct and proper and holy and anything but what my sinful heart contains
i cannot and will not speak these words in public, for fear of rebuttal from those older and supposedly wiser
and i will uncomfortably fit into this mold of what is expected, what i must be.
i dream of a future in which these molds are gone, where i do not have to exist in a catatonic state of anxious terror 
but yet i do not deserve this
for i must uphold what i have been taught
that the great creator said to love 
but only in a certain specific way
i will support the rights of others with all of my 200 gram heart until the day i leave this mortal realm
but out of pathetic and cowardly self loathing
i suppose i can never support my own.


Peer Review

The vocabulary in this really helps the description of feelings and strays from the usual plainness I see in others writing. I also like how you included some internal rhymes, such as the end of 18th line "way" with "day" in the 19th line- though I don't know if it was intentional or not. :)


Maybe you could elaborate on how pride can be a downfall to others and humility can be your strength. I know the purpose of the writing was quite the opposite idea, but it would be interesting to see some contrast.


Reviewer Comments

You're an excellent writer and I think what you're writing about is really interesting. I'll probably take a look at your page. :)