United States

formerly sc3n3-b3an
a place to express feelings
not here to fight about politics, just to write

Message from Writer

"Write what should not be forgotten." - Isabel Allende
"Pulvis et umbra sumus (We are but dust and shadows)"- Horace

pride and my lack thereof

March 3, 2020


i am deeply envious of those who can have pride
those who can walk around
be who they are
love who they want
and they don't care what others say about them.
unfortunately, i do not possess this unreachable state, confidence.
i am horrified of what would happen if they found out what i am:
stuck in the hot muggy hellhole known for its enforcers of what is right and correct and proper and holy and anything but what my sinful heart contains
i cannot and will not speak these words in public, for fear of rebuttal from those older and supposedly wiser
and i will uncomfortably fit into this mold of what is expected, what i must be.
i dream of a future in which these molds are gone, where i do not have to exist in a catatonic state of anxious terror 
but yet i do not deserve this
for i must uphold what i have been taught
that the great creator said to love 
but only in a certain specific way
i will support the rights of others with all of my 200 gram heart until the day i leave this mortal realm
but out of pathetic and cowardly self loathing
i suppose i can never support my own.


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1 Comment
  • loveletterstosappho

    i hope that someday, no matter how far in the future, you will be able to make peace with this. living in this kind of self-loathing is incredibly painful and i hope that someday, you will be able to escape it.

    about 1 year ago