Blind Date Evie Ford
KAREN- Optimistic, clumsy when nervous, naive, forgiving. Wears blazer and white shirt underneath, dress pants. Animal rights lawyer.
DEVON- Cocky, rude, sarcastic, self-important, scared of fish. Wears a suit. Criminal defense lawyer.
STEPHANIE- Bored, vacant. Waitress.
Deven sits alone in a dimly lit restaurant. He checks his watch and exaggeratedly rolls his eyes in annoyance. Karen walks onto stage behind him. She scans the restaurant quickly before seeing him and walks over to stand behind him. KAREN- Hi, are you Devon? I’m Karen.
DEVON (standing up): Nice to meet you.
DEVON looks her up and down and KAREN holds out her hand. In mid handshake the scene freezes and DEVON turns to the audience, letting go of her hand. KAREN remains frozen. DEVON walks around her in circle, examining her, before returning to where he stood before. DEVON: 6.5. Generously.
(He puts his hand back in hers as it was before and the scene unfreezes) KAREN (sitting down along with DEVON): I’m so glad Margot set this up. She’s my best friend.
DEVON: She’s alright.
(Scene freezes and DEVON turns in his seat to face the audience) DEVON (smile abruptly disappearing): Margot and I met when she had jury duty. She’s a nurse. Hot, right? (Beat of silence) Well, I asked her out and she declined, but offered to set me up with her “super hot friend.” (DEVON uses air quotes) What kind of sick joke is this?
(DEVON returns to the position he was in before and the scene unfreezes) KAREN (nervously babbling): We met when I accidentally upset a beehive and tripped on a rock while running away. She was my nurse after I fell on my face and gashed my forehead. No bee stings though!
DEVON (snidely): Haven’t you ever heard not to tell long, embarrassing stories on first dates?
KAREN (thinking he is kidding): You know, I have heard that, but it’s too good not to tell, right? (Shrugs) (Scene freezes and DEVON turns toward audience) DEVON (sarcastically): Great story. Totally worth the 30 years it took off my life.
(Scene unfreezes) KAREN: So Margot told me you’re a criminal defense lawyer? I’m a lawyer, too. Animal rights.
DEVON (sarcastically): Wow, so while criminals run free you’re defending Scout the Dog’s right to sit on the couch? Keep up the good work.
KAREN (hurt and shocked): What? You’re the one defending criminals! If anything-
DEVON (cutting her off): Relax, I was kidding.
(Scene freezes and Devon turns his head) DEVON: No, I wasn’t.
(Scene unfreezes) KAREN (uncomfortably): Oh… Sorry. (Beat of uncomfortable silence) These set ups are always so awkward aren’t they?
DEVON (irritated): No, why would you say that?
KAREN (flustered): Um, I-I don’t know.
DEVON (sitting back in his chair frustratedly, angry at himself): Damn it! I made it worse didn’t I? God, Devon! Get it together!
KAREN: No, you didn’t make it worse. (DEVON looks at her, unconvinced) Maybe a little, but it’s fine.
(Scene freezes and KAREN turns toward the audience) KAREN (forgivingly): Aw, maybe he’s just nervous. Who knows? Maybe someday we’ll tell our kids about our first date and how weird their father was.
(Scene unfreezes) KAREN: So where did you go to school?
DEVON: Harvard. Go Pilgrims!
KAREN: No way! I went to Yale! Go Bulldogs!
DEVON (harshly): No. Pilgrims.
KAREN (startled): Okay. New topic.
(STEPHANIE approaches table, chewing gum) STEPHANIE (speaks slowly and boredly as if reading from a script): Hello… My name is Stephanie… I’ll be your waitress for this evening… Can I get you anything to drink?
(Devon looks at the waitress with a smirk and the scene freezes) DEVON: 8.5
(Scene unfreezes) DEVON: We’ll take your cheapest red wine. It’s just a first date.
(Scene freezes) KAREN: And probably the last.
(Scene unfreezes) KAREN: I was actually thinking of having fish and everybody know that red wine doesn’t go with fish. I’ll have-”
DEVON (panicked and cutting her off): Fish? On a first date? Are you serious? She’ll take the red wine.
STEPHANIE (writing it down): Whatever…
(Stephanie leaves the set and KAREN looks at DEVON incredulously. DEVON shrugs and picks at something on the table boredly. The scene freezes and DEVON turns toward the audience) DEVON: I went to the aquarium once and this guy was cleaning the tanks. He accidentally kicked a shark and it bit his leg off. I don’t know what happened to the rest of him because my mother covered my eyes and wouldn’t tell me what happened after that. It was highly traumatic. I can’t even see an aquarium without fainting.
(Scene unfreezes) DEVON: So, you win the $100 million lottery. What do you do with the money?
KAREN: Probably move to a better house, set aside some money for my kids if I have have any and donate the rest to charity.
DEVON: Great, great. Here’s what I would do: Buy a killer house for my wife so she can finally move out. Then donate the rest to Charity Me. (Points to himself) KAREN (incredulously): Wait, you’re married?!
DEVON: Only legally. Just waiting for the divorce to go through and I’ll be a free man.
KAREN: She still lives with you?!
DEVON: Yeah, it takes time to find a cheap house that’ll fit two kids.
KAREN (even more shocked): You have kids?!
DEVON: I’m sure I do somewhere, but those two aren’t mine.
KAREN (defeated as she puts her head in her hands): Oh god…
(STEPHANIE returns to the table with their drinks. DEVON grins at STEPHANIE as she sets down their drinks. KAREN looks at him in disgust) STEPHANIE: Here you go.
KAREN (as she takes a generous sip of her drink): Thank god.
STEPHANIE (boredly still): I’ll come back for your orders later. I gotta pee.
(Stephanie leaves) DEVON: You ever been married?
(KAREN chokes, spilling her red wine on her white shirt) KAREN (while wiping up the mess): Oh god… (She continues to mutter and curse to herself as DEVON speaks) DEVON: Great, now it looks I’ve stabbed you.
(KAREN glares at DEVON and the scene freezes. DEVON turns toward audience) DEVON: Wouldn’t be an unrealistic assumption. She’s totally boring.
(Scene unfreezes and KAREN buttons up her blazer to cover the stain. STEPHANIE returns to the table with her notepad out. DEVON nods at STEPHANIE and winks) STEPHANIE (Still boredly): Kay… You ready to order now?
(Scene freezes and DEVON speaks) DEVON: I’d much rather be on a date with her. Kathrine or whatever her name is is making Stephanie seem like a 10.
(DEVON freezes and KAREN unfreezes) KAREN: Is he flirting with her? On a date with me?!
(Scene unfreezes and KAREN and DEVON speak at the same time) KAREN (disgusted): Check please!
DEVON (impatient/angry): Check please!
END OF PLAY