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‘Well, once there was only dark. If you ask me, the light's winning.’

she/her | 17 | lover of books and films | ravenclaw | seer of breath | chaotic neutral | nikolai lantsov + loki stan

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Message from Writer

Hello! My name is Ruth and, like everyone else on this site, I'm attempting to write. Some of my interests include books (my favourites are The Picture of Dorian Gray, Six of Crows, Flowers for Algernon and The Kite Runner) films & tv (such as Donnie Darko, Fight Club, Interstellar, The Favourite, The World’s End, Fleabag and True Detective) and getting to know other people through writing, so feel free to leave likes and comments and I'll do the same for you!

reflections on turning 17 when my age seems bigger than my body

February 17, 2020


i always knew i was not going to be beautiful. 
the stunted limbs, flimsy like rotted wood 
and the frequent checkups at the hospital told me that. 
my life was measured in percentiles and growth charts and the browning
rocking-horse moaning its dirge in the children’s waiting room.
i was a stuck vinyl, repeating the same notes to a
vacuum that catapulted me into the empty space
that gripped my lungs and breathed irregularities into my bloodstream
like a flute. off-key, dented, rusted. 
rubble of another life that could’ve been if my genes

the face i see in the mirror is not the one i see in my head.
in my mind my skin is a red carpet, lavish and decadent
with jewels and gilded halls mapping the alleyways of my mind,
tearing asunder the world with the magnitude of my grace.
the spinning heel of a dancer, shifting the axis of the planets
with full lips and a wicked smile.

instead, i am a fallen sparrow rattling its last breaths,
whilst the locked brain continues its trajectory.
terror, terror, tumbling in gymnastics club before i realised i was not normal.
i was left behind. 

i always knew i was not going to be beautiful. 
but i can be more than that; intelligent, accomplished, loved. 
the love i receive in return will have to be special to pour gold into the cracks of my being, spinning new webs inside my eyes.
i’m imperfect, but aren’t we all?  

note: at birth i was teeny tiny and had to be put in an incubator like a lil chicken egg because i was too small to sustain warmth. the doctors puzzled before diagnosing me with silver-russel-syndrome. thankfully, my brain was fine; my cognitive functions were normal, but my growth was impaired. on the 22nd of february i will be turning 17, but i’m 4 foot 11 and have 32a breasts, i’m extremely underweight and cannot gain weight easily, and have other weird issues like being unable to move my little finger properly and having an oddly triangular head. i still look like a child. it has been a source of much insecurity for me, and i find it hard to accept my body, even though i cannot change what i look like. it makes me worry a lot and so i place a lot of value on my intelligence and charisma, hence my large ambition and desire to be more than my stunted growth. i try to be positive, for it is something i can not change. but sometimes its hard. i need to talk about it more so i’m not overly-sensitive about it, so here we are :)

woo hoo hoo this was strange to write i hope it was okay to read :) sorry for bombarding my emotion here im bad at talking about feelings aaaa


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  • February 17, 2020 - 5:19pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Anne Blackwood

    This poem is not of this world. In fact, I think that you have caught the attention of a band sprites, and they whisper verse into your ear. This is beautiful. You are beautiful.

    5 months ago
  • weirdo

    gods, this is so wonderfully written. the metaphors! the emotions! the... gahhhhh, this is GODLY!!! and that title! poetic perfection
    be beautiful by your own standards hon, that is what truly matters. that being said, if anyone bullies you because of your appearance, hmu and i will shoot them in the kneecaps. i will not to tolerate that, you are an amazing person and looks only matter to... humongous bag of dicks.
    love yourself, you’re worth it.

    5 months ago
  • Ruthh

    thanks for your comments aaaa i love you guys

    5 months ago
  • Loser

    Your courage to write about this inspires me. People so often judge beauty on height (with all those stupid tall, skinny supermodels); it's nice to remember that your exterior is not what makes you.
    Fun fact: Queen Victoria, undoubtedly one of the best rulers Great Britain had (in my opinion), was hardly five foot tall.

    5 months ago
  • N.

    oof long comment apologies

    5 months ago
  • N.

    hey i just want to say that it's really brave of you to share this; a body does not define a human, which you made clear with your point on valuing your intelligence and personality. while in a different predicament, Stephen Hawking spent the majority of his life in a wheelchair and was unable to talk, and he still managed to become one of the most influential scientists of the 20th/21st centuries. you are absolutely more than your appearance, but also remember that having a non-conventional body doesn't make you any less wonderful of a human being.
    with that out of the way, i also want to say that this piece is masterfully written; i love the imagery and metaphors, and the title automatically caught my eye. the emotion is really evident in this piece, you did a great job <3

    5 months ago
  • jun lei

    If it helps:
    You're four foot eleven AND TALLER THAN ME. Granted, I'm fifteen, but I haven't grown for about three years.
    Correction: I grew .27 of an inch this year, and on my physical, my nurse added a sarcastic (!).

    5 months ago