A Certain Type of Decisive

United States

Just your unfriendly neighborhood disaster, bringing you bi-weekly updates from the bottom of my own shoe!

Message to Readers

Dedicated to the many writers leaving Write the World. Someday we will meet again, on a train. You will not recognize me, because I am disguised as Dr. Two-Brains. I am on the run from the mafia. Chuck Norris is there.

Good Morning, Good Night, and I Loved You

January 5, 2020

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5
But I did love you
In a way that you might never understand
Because I do not talk about love in a way that I should
I do not talk about the people I should
I assume too much 
And learn too little
And I guess I thought you'd always know how much you meant to me
Without my constant reminder
But the world has never worked like that
And by God I've never been so hypocritical in my life
Than as I looked for so much peer approval
Because I am telling stories
I tell so many stories
And forget that other people don't
I forget that sometimes other people have it in them to tell the truth
and I never have
I tell stories
I tell lies to try to make you feel emotions that I never had
I tell stories
And I forget that I'm not in one

I did love you
I did, I did
I always thought about pouring myself into you
But that was so real
And I was not
You were so real 
I don't know you but I could almost feel you,
I could hear you
But I was not the same
I tell stories
And forget that others don't
Even now
Even here, this is a story of a love I just made up
But it was always there
There's so many facades
So many distractions and layers
The person I am inside must be very small indeed
But I don't know her
Because she is real
She is so, so terrifyingly real and I only know stories

I am crying
As I type away these words
Like cutting down a tree
I am chipping away at all my fake feelings to try to find something real
I don't know
I thought I did but I don't
I tell stories
But I cannot feel them on my skin
I cannot feel them through these keys I type on
I can't feel them
I can't feel
I think I might be an idea walking around in human skin

I loved you
I loved you so much and so fast
And at the wrong time
I feel so close-
I always feel so close to some epiphany
I'm one rock on the rock wall away from the top and too scared to go any further
I'm a year behind to be right on schedule
And I just missed you- just barely caught your end
And I figured it out too late to say I loved you

It's a new year, but nothing's really changed
Maybe it’s the best time to say goodbye to era
Goodnight to lifetime of people I was a little too late to meet
Or hello
Hello to the brand new generation
I'll do my best to lead you, the way that I remember 
Good morning, good morning, good morning!
And goodbye.
As you leave me standing at the station
Waving at the leaving train headed out to the sea
Please remember
That I did love you
I won't forget you
Everything you did was important and it did matter and I did-
And I did love you
And I will miss you.



 

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  • January 5, 2020 - 12:32am (Now Viewing)

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3 Comments
  • Loser

    This is absolutely what everyone feels through heartbreak in adolescence. You write for so many of us.


    10 months ago
  • AbiJoy

    oh hey look it's my deepest insecurities :) that's neat :)


    11 months ago
  • april.lila

    The emotion in this is tremendous. I felt it through your words, the desperation and confession and pouring-out of your heart. This is really something beautiful.


    11 months ago