Peer Review by HelpMe512 (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


Ring Ring

By: ava09 (sorta back)


FREE WRITING

July 12, 2007
    "Hi baby I know you said don't buy the clothes but I couldn't help it and MIlly looks so cute don't you Milly? Yes you do! Yes you do you cutie!! [laughter] Anyway, you'll be home soon, yes? Dinner's almost ready and Milly wants to play she can't wait for Daddy to come home no you can't wait can you Milly baby no you can't!! Love you Jack see you in a bit." [click]

February 13, 2009
    "Jack, honey do you know where the extra blankets are? Also you dumped my beers outside did you mean to? I need that stuff!! Honestly, how dare you throw out my stuff it was mine! Mine!! NOT yours. And I need it it helps me relax and God knows I need to relax with MIlly around God she's such a tyrant I just started being able to sleep through the night and now she's always screaming or refusing to go to bed MILLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING GET OFF OF MY COUCH WITH YOUR ICKY SELF GO GET!! [loud crying] God she's crying please come home and buy some Rosé on your way thanks babe." [click]

September 2011
    "Jack? Are you home? All the doors are locked I can't get in. If this is about what happened last night with Milly I can explain just let me in. {pause] Jack. [pause] Jack! {pause] JACK! OPEN UP!! [banging] What the f**k, Jack are you kidding me?! [glass shatters] Well take that you f**king d**khead go f**k yourself. [more banging] God." [click]

April 16, 2015
    "Hey, Jack.... I know it's been a while, but I was hoping you might hear this and try and give me another chance. [hitched breath] I've been trying, I'm trying so hard, Jack, [exhale] I-I know you said you didn't want anything to do with me and you t-you g-got custody but baby I swear I'm better I swear I'm not shaking anymore I've stopped using... [sniffle] The scars are still there but I was hoping maybe you could give the rest of me a chance.... [exhale] Anyway, sorry to bother you. I'm using a payphone so...I'll call you next time I have enough extra coins to. I love you Jack. I promise I'm better." [click]

October 31, 2017
    "HEYYYYYY JACCKKKKKK. [loud music] BAHAHAHAHA. JAACCCKkkKKKK BABYY CAN YOU HEAR MEEEE!!! HEHEHEHHE I'M AT THE MOST AMAZINGGGG HALLOWEEN PARTYYYY. THERE'S BEER AND SOMEONE GAVE ME THIS PILL AHAHAH I KNOW IT'S SO WEIRD I'M FLOATINGGGGG AHAHAH!!! AND I FEEL GREATTTT!!!!! JACKK CALL ME BACK WOULD YA THIS IS MY FRIEND MOLLY'S PHONEE. [scuffle and a smack] AH! HANDS OFF!!!! [more scuffling] HAHA I GOTTA GO JACK BYEEEE MWAH." [static]

December 23, 2018
    "Jack, hi, it's me again. [long exhale] It's s-so cold outside here. I'm in Chicago but I'm not sure why. I remember trying to go to Florida because it was warmer and far away from you but then I can't remember anything after I left for there. I guess maybe they caught me on the train and I fought them or something.... [breath] my head hurts and I've got so many cuts and bruises.... [inhale] Anyway, tell my baby Milly I say hello. Mama misses you Milly. Mama misses you so much. And when Daddy calls me back and lets me visit you can bet I'll come right there as soon as I can. I love you baby. Love you, too, Jack." [click]

January 3, 2019
    "Happy new year! I've been sober over 3 months now can you believe it?! I couldn't either. I stayed in for New Year's Eve; did I tell you I got an apartment? [short pause] Yeah, it's a nice place; they've got running water and the bed bugs don't bite too bad. Hahaha. At any rate, I hope you call me back. This is my landlords phone; they let me borrow it and they told me that if you called they would let me know so....bye Jack. Bye Milly. Love you." [click]

April 16, 2019
    "HeEyeyey Jackk. I don't feel so. [pause] Good - I was trying to find a place to sleep and. [hitched breath] They told me they'd take the pain away and they. [hitched breath] Did they did and I can't s-see straight hey jack are you there? [static] Jack?! JACK?!! [crackling] JACKK!?!?! [sobs] Jack.... [sniffle] God Jack what am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do? I'm so f**king lost baby I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going I don't even know why I'm calling you God and you know you've got Milly and I just wanna see my baby girl and you I miss you and I wanna try again I promise I'll try again and it'll be perfect and work out just please. Call me. [pause] Please- [voice breaking] Call me. Love you guys." [click]

May 4, 2019
    "Hi. [pause] Jack. [pause] It's me again. [pause] Hi. [pause] I was just calling to let you know I- well, I met this guy - his name's Brandon - but he's so sweet he said he's gonna help me and I've been sober for two weeks now since I met him and he helped me and Jack I'm so happy now I haven't been this happy in-since-oh, since you, I suppose but Jack, guess what this means I can get better and Brandon and I can come visit you and MIlly and we can be a real family again. {short pause] Just come on Jack, give me a chance? Please? I promise I'm better and happy and I can be a mom and it will be just like it used only with Brandon too you'd like Brandon, Jack, he's like your old friends, funny and nice and stuff like that, anyway I gotta go Brandon told me I should have dinner ready by 6 and I need to get started he doesn't like it when dinner is late. [pause] Call me if you get the chance...Love you guys." [click]

June 28, 2019
    "[incoherent shouting] Jack! JACK! JACK HE'S HITTING ME JACK I'M-I CAN'T [bang] [long beep] [static]

August 20, 2019
    "Jack you were right you were right never trust a guy who seems too good to be true Jack I'm pregnant again he left me he hit me he hurt me I didn't have dinner ready on time and he hurt me and I didn't dust right and he hurt me and Jack I'm so lost I don't know where i am and I'm gonna have a baby again I can't-I can't DO this I CAN'T DO THIS! Jack come get me. [pause] Jack.... [long pause] Oh, Jack." {click]

November 17, 2019
*Jack and Milly are driving to her soccer game when Jack's phone starts to ring. He goes to swipe left to decline the call so the navigation to come on. Milly looks up from her phone. The wheels of the car spin out, and the car flips. Once. Twice. Three times. Over and over it rolls into the ditch besides the highway. An ambulance and state police arrive on the scene. News crews show up to report the wreck. There are no survivors.*

December 3, 2019
    "Jack? Jack did you pick up?"
    "H-hello? Who is this calling?"
    "This is Miranda? I'm Jack's ex-wife, Milly's mom. Is Jack there? Or Milly? I've been trying to get in contact for years but he never answered my calls I-"
    "Miranda?"
    "Yes."
    "His ex-wife?"
    "That's what I said." There was a deep inhale from the other end of the phone.
    "Hi, Miranda. I'm Kristen. I am-was-am. I-Jack is-w-is-Jack's my husband." There was silence.
    "Oh. Well, could I speak to him? I know I haven't been present or the best mother or a mother at all to Milly but I really would like a second chance I've been trying to get a hold of Jack like I said-"
    "Miranda?"
    "Yes?"
    "Miranda Jack and Milly were driving to one of her soccer games? A couple of weeks ago? And-and they didn't come back."
    "What do you mean? They're missing? Are they okay did you find them?!"
    "No, Miranda, they didn't come back and they aren't going to."
    "I don't understand don't you have a perfect home life isn't everyone happy I thought-"
    "Miranda-"
    "Kristen."
    "MIranda they got in a car crash-they crashed Miranda they crash and they're gone."
    "Gone?"
    "They're dead. Both of them. They said it was instantaneous. The car hit black ice and rolled off the highway. They're gone." Miranda sat down in silence.
    "Dead?"
    "Yes."
    It took a while for the tears to fall; long after Kristen had hung up the phone after realizing she would elicit no response from Miranda. Clutching her phone in her hands, Miranda curled into herself, the tears slipping down her face quicker than icicles melting in the spring. She didn't move for days.

December 18, 2019
NEWS
"A woman who police identified as Miranda Fallow was found dead in her house on Thursday evening after her neighbors noticed a stench and called the police. Investigations into the cause of death are pending."

I have no idea where this came from lol. Please excuse the language that's just who the character is. Also I tried a new style/format of writing with the phone call thing and I'm not sure if it worked so if you could review and let me know what you think that would be wonderful!

wrote this awhile ago and just found it and made some edits I hope it's okay

Message to Readers

Any and all feedback welcome!


Peer Review

This is so amazing. Your characters are very well developed, and you portray emotions so well. I liked the unique style of phone calls, and the ending hit really hard.


I noticed that you struggle with commas. Perhaps it was intentional, but your sentences were very long and without punctuation. It would look a lot more professional if you used commas and added pauses in your run-on sentences.


Reviewer Comments

Congrats on winning the contest, and sorry this is a little late