Peer Review by efflorescence (United States of America)()

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do not try to tell the queen of the savanna that she loves wrong

By: scripturience


FREE WRITING


they say that i love wrong, that the
beat of my heart in my ribcage is like the
beat of paws on the dusty ground,
ba bum, ba bum, ba bum, fast-paced
and animalistic. and there is filth
on my body, they tell me,
that they would like to remove.
i laugh and they flinch at the way
my mouth curls back to reveal sharp teeth.
i would rather live my lion's life
outside of a zoo-cage, i tell them.
here, among the grasses, i can
let my heart beat, ba bum, ba bum, ba bum.
here, i can feel wind on my back as i run. here,
my feet kick up dirt behind me, evidence that
i've lived, evidence that i've loved. here,
i am free.


Message to Readers

thank you for reading.


Peer Review

First and foremost, I love how you chose the queen of the savanna as the subject of your poem, since I feel like the male lion is typically more common. Overall, your imagery really contributed to the fearlessness of the narrator, and I loved her conflict with the unspecified "they". In particular, my favorite phrase is when you say, "...the / beat of my heart in my ribcage is like the / beat of paws on the dusty ground". The enjambment just draws the reader smoothly along, as does the rhythm of the simile.


The only part that I think could use some tweaking is when you say, "...and there is filth / on my body, they tell me, / that they would like to remove." Even though this provides another example of how "they" disapprove of her wildness, I think it interrupts the flow of the narrative too much. If you do want to keep these lines, however, then I suggest you go a little more in-depth about the symbolism of the filth. What exactly is making her so filthy? Why does she take pride in it?


Reviewer Comments

Overall, I loved reading your piece! From the first line, when you said, "they say that i love wrong", I was hooked by your fierce but beautiful imagery. I loved the message of your poem as well as the rhythm created by the enjambment and the inclusion of onomatopoeia.