Peer Review by Nevanescence.poetry (United States of America)()

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delete my number

By: N.


FREE WRITING

I regret comparing you to Paris,
my dear brother of peace and poetry,
because you know it wouldn’t be fair if
my heart fell captive under lock and key.

Yet a stalking, crueler Paris still lurks
in the halls of apathetic young drones,
who hides behind lines of code and weird smirks
that claw at my brain and chill my bones.

I lied, tile leaving no place to hide;
but I know what you did, you foul Macbeth,
laying down wires of guilt just so I’d
let you drive me to my own painful death.

Gods, drive away he who does not hear no
before I seek the worms’ kingdom below.
 

For reference:
Paris is a character in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet; He was a suitor of Juliet
Macbeth is the main character in Shakespeare's Macbeth; He became King of Scotland through manipulation and murder

The first stanza is an allusion to a different piece that I wrote (though I never posted it here). It had overwhelmingly positive connotations but I still question why I used that character in particular for comparison. Live and learn, I guess.

In case you can't tell, I'm having fun reading the tragedies.

Message to Readers

If y'all want some background, there's this guy that spent a lot of time dumping his personal problems on me and then asked me out last year; I very kindly told him no, he was like "cool no big deal." I'm happy, finished freshman year, got through the summer, asked a girl out, she said nah, bounced back, met someone awesome when I got back to school, now we're dating, I'm excited... Fuckboi over here from freshman year science won't leave me alone. Sends messages. Slides into dms. Becomes an all-around creepbag. And I hate it.

So remember kids, no means no. Not maybe, not I'll think about it, not I'll change my mind someday. It's no.

On that delightful note, please comment on what you like/didn't like. I wanted to do a return to sonnets to round out the month, and this was an event I needed to process. :)


Peer Review

I really appreciate your Shakespearean allusions -- I love Shakespeare -- and I loved even more the Shakespearean diction you couple them with. The ending couplet was a stark turning point for me (as to be expected with any Shakespearean sonnet). I was delighted to read the first stanza, as it revealed a lot about where the sonnet would entail. Good job.


I would say maybe strengthen the resolve. Rather than resorting to death (because, let's face it, death can be a little cliche) think of another way the speaker can seek refuge. Give the reader something to think about with the last lines that would still be just as sharp and poignant, but strikes differently and ties in with your overall themes better.


Reviewer Comments

Also, I would like to compliment your devotion to iambic pentameter all the way through. I would, however like to perhaps suggest that you now follow the rhythmic stresses as well. Although you filled the syllables correctly, try choosing words that would naturally be read like da DA da DA da DA da DA da DA. (Also line 3, because you made "would not" a contraction, does not meet syllabic requirements; "wouldn't" would be read as one syllable in that case so you can go ahead and make it two.) I found lines 10 and 14 executed this rhythmic stress the best as they sound natural when read aloud so I know you are capable. Try matching future sonnets to this as well. But overall, good job -- tackling Shakespearean sonnets is not an easy task and you're doing it well. Keep it up!