Peer Review by Nevanescence.poetry (United States of America)()

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December Rain

By: Maya42


    Her already rosy cheeks turn brighter against the whip of the wind. Her hair flies, hundreds of strands each with their own agenda. Exhale and her breath appears in front of her before quickly vanishing into the sky. She turns to her big sister.
    "I wanna build a snowman." The little girl had brought a carrot for the nose.
    "To do that there would have to be snow," Her sister puffs, rubbing her hands together. "C'mon. It's gonna rain soon." The darkening clouds cast a shadow over the park, making it colder. Cold, so cold, but no snow, never snow.
    "It only ever rains," the little girls whines, then stomps her fur coated boots, "If I were Elsa, I would cover the town in snow and build a snowman so big you could see it from the moon. My books say snow is magical," she continues as her sister grabs her freezing fingers and leads her home. "If you catch a snowflake on your tongue you can make a wish. It is white and bright," she giggles, "and we could make snow angels." Then the little girl's eyes darken. "I felt a drop in my hair." Her sister pulls her along faster.
    "Quick, before it pours." They break into a sprint. The little girl clutches her sister's hand like a lifeline, still fantasizing about the snow, even as the droplets multiply. 
    "It will snow. I know it will. We can't have Christmas without snow." The older girl just nods. The rain hits the pavement, loud and clear, splashing into puddles created moments ago, yet already draining into the gutters. She knows it won't snow. Fifteen Christmas's had gone by without snow, five of those, her little sister witnessed. The twenty Christmas's her parents spend here never saw a flake. It did not snow here, it never did, and it never would, it only ever rained. Cold, miserable, mocking, December rain. She slams the front door as it begins to downpour. The two girls stand in front of the doorway dripping puddles onto the wooden floor. The little girl immediately settles on top of the vent blasting warm air.
    "Just imagine. When it snows on Christmas morning we can have a snow ball fight. I won't even need any presents. The snow will have it all. I will move into my igloo and you can come visit. Tomorrow morning it will snow," She looks up at her sister. Her sister pulls her dark brown eyes away from her big hopeful ones, averting them to the tree covered in paper snowflake ornaments.
    The morning comes with hot cocoa wafting through the chimneys of the brick houses lining the street and the shouts of children as they tear open various wrapping papers. It comes with the honk of a horn on a new bike and the clink of teacups from little girls playing with their new dolls. And it comes with the constant patter of rain on the roof and the rush of small streams into the gutters.
    The little girl's eyes are glued to the window watching the never ending droplets fall from the dark grey clouds above. When she finally pulls away from the glass, the heat of her breath has fogged it up and the imprint of her nose and mouth remains.
    "It's not gonna snow is it?" She asks her sister, but she doesn't need an answer. She knows. Her big eyes fall to the ground and her bangs sweep over them, covering the rain of her tears. Her sister shakes her head and takes her hands.
    "No it's not," She whispers.
    "I wanted to build a snowman." She says, her voice trembling, "I wanted to main a snowman family, but it is raining and I can't make a snowman family from rain."
    "You don't need a snowman family," Her sister said, "your real one is right here." She hugged her little sister, wiping her tears with the edge of her sleeve.
    "You'll wear a carrot nose and a black top hat?" The little girl looked up, tilting her head sideways.
    "I dunno about the carrot, but I'll consider the hat." She smiled and her sister smiled and who needs anything else?


Message to Readers

Any comments at all help so please feel free to give any feedback. Thanks!


Peer Review

The dialogue of this piece was something to be admired; the way it guided your story and chiseled the juxtaposition to a sharp and poignant point was beautiful to say the least. I loved living with these characters if only for a moment. It warmed my heart. Thank you.


Family and Simplicity.


I would have liked to see more specific character development in the older sister. You have a brilliant instance of the beginnings of this in "She knows it won't snow" to "Cold, miserable, mocking December rain." I think you could use this opportunity to expand a bit further into why this rain is "mocking" and perhaps what the rain might symbolize for her: Do they represent her views of the town in which she lives? Does she feel kept down by the smallness and the "cold"? Is she sick of her parents? Are there any bigger issues that could be cast into the rain?


I did feel satisfied by the ending. I appreciate the intertwining of laughter and finality with the line "I dunno about the carrot, but I'll consider the hat." Again, this line might be strengthened by previous mentions of a more specified pessimism -- but it is still a wonderful closing to an emotionally fulfilling piece.


Your character revealings through dialogue are spot-on. The childish tangents of the younger sister versus the curt replies of the older one make the story interesting and captivating beginning to end. Your description after dialogue and the depiction of hair specifically exemplify understanding of people and story-telling. I would love to see more of your work in the future.


Reviewer Comments

Perhaps delve deeper into metaphor. I recognize this is a piece that expounds upon simplicity and timid character, but in future works maybe consider the thematic building of superobjective through a larger, overarching body of comparison. Just a thought. It may vary your work and make for a more impactful ending with depth if you ever wanted something more three-dimensional. Great work.