secrets & roses

United States

everyone has secrets and sometimes they're hard to keep, but sometimes admitting them through poems and stories makes it a little better... at least for me

Message to Readers

Hi! So I wrote this piece for a college essay but decided to share because I wanted some feedback. Overall, I feel that every sentence of this essay has meaning, but I'm not saying that from an objective view, so I was wondering what others thought.

Also, this is an extremely personal piece, so while I appreciate any comments y'all have to give, I'd like y'all to know that it was hard to share. :)

Abuela

November 28, 2019

FREE WRITING

2
With my heart pounding, I silently begged my best friend to answer her phone. Ring after ring, I started doubting she would answer which only made my panic worse. I rushed through the parking lot trying to get to my car, where I sat waiting, hoping to hear her voice. 

“Hello?” she answered questioningly, but that was enough for me to break down. She asked me what happened. I took a breath and put it bluntly. “Abuela died.”

I didn’t have long to talk to her because I had to go babysit, where I would put on a face for a few hours and be distracted for a few hours and get a break from reality. My new heart-breaking reality. For the first time in my life, I had lost someone I cared about and I had no clue how to deal with it. 

4 months later and I would be sitting in another car letting tears fall, but this time my brother sat with me. 
I had run out of the pet clinic towards my dad’s truck wanting to go home and take some time to absorb what had just happened. Less than 5 minutes earlier, Kodi, my dog, sat against my leg, alive and breathing. Then he was laying down. And then, he was gone. 

Throughout my life, I’ve lost other cats and dogs, among many other animals, but the only one I’ve ever been old enough to care about was Kodi. Kodi was a big dog who believed he actually could fit in my lap and who never ran out of love to give. His last few months hit me extremely hard because I had just lost my abuela as well and at this point, it seemed like I was about to drown in waves of grief that surrounded me wherever I went. 

Learning to cope with heartbreak, pain, and death has undoubtedly been the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Simply having to process that you’ll never be able to see someone again is hard enough, but then having to understand that life will move on without them because the rest of the world doesn’t care is overwhelming. I can easily say that I am not done grieving and I still think about them a great deal, but I have discovered that I am not broken because of this. Yes, my heart was in pieces, but I am working to put it back together. 

I don’t enjoy talking to people about my deepest darkest secrets or any of my problems, but I couldn’t deal with this on my own. When I was finally able to take my pain to someone I trusted, I realized I felt a little better. I continued to have some weeks where I cried more days than not, but I learned to pick up a pencil and write down my feelings, allowing myself to breathe and to move on a little bit more every single day. 

    While my personal life spiraled out of control, school became an escape for me. I could leave the madness in my head and let myself become wrapped up in analyzing The Grapes of Wrath and their problems instead of my own. Not only did it give me a place to take a break from everything, but because of what had happened, I came to appreciate my teachers, peers, and every day so much more. My grades didn’t suffer from this and neither did my outlook on school itself and although I did face moments when I would feel completely overwhelmed, I never let it consume me. 

Though some time has passed now, I continue to have some absolutely terrible days every so often, but I remember that I am resilient and I don’t have to hold it all in anymore; I can talk to people and let them help me or at least hold me while my tears fall.

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  • November 28, 2019 - 6:32pm (Now Viewing)

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1 Comment
  • Cxtrus

    This was a really amazing piece. Nice job.


    about 1 year ago