Vannah

United States

Y'know, I really hope I can pull off the cool mysterious deep writer persona. That'd be sick.

Message from Writer

When I write, I can shake off all my cares. - Anne Frank

I Cannot Have Love

November 17, 2019

FREE WRITING

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Why is it that whenever I think about a dear friend, a kind face, an old soul, or a person I can always rely on,
It is always, always you?

My long list of compliments are so buttery a sweet, 
flattering I know.

But I also know, you let them roll off. 
Like rain drops sliding down an umbrella, rather than soaking through. 

When I create, I think of you.
I think of your advice, of your encouragement,
and I get excited to show you and ask you for help.

But I also get so lonely. 
You're so far away, yet not. 

I can never find the right words in my dumb cheesy letters,
I feel unallowed to connect with the friends I love so dearly. 
As if I am a stranger in my own shoes. 

The guilt is weighing because I have no answers.
We haven't had a falling out, yet I feel the need to apologize so badly.
I find myself forever wishing you were closer,
to hug, to laugh, to sit side by side and ignore each other while reading or on our phones. 

You hold my heart so tenderly, 
always careful not to bruise or break. 
I am sorry I am so fragile and scattered, like an old birds feathers. 

I miss you and you haven't even left. 
I know it's all contained in my mind,
because my own forced exile.

Like a whole plot made up in my head. 
I've really just gone crazy. 

You are the only person I picture with me on all the adventures I imagine,
and future plans. 

But I know it's so moony it may never ever happen and that weighs heavy in my heart. 
I have dreams and you're in them, but this world and time is so off.
I fear your goals and dreams don't drag me along with them, that I am more of a weighing anchor in life right now.
My insecurities make me a bad friend. 

I hope that someday, we find our peace.
In each other,
or wherever it truly lies. 
 

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  • November 17, 2019 - 1:04am (Now Viewing)

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