Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
So, anybody who has played Fire Emblem: Three Houses may notice some similarities but this work isn’t like,,,, *that* character. You know, your one. Three Houses is just a fantastically pretty game which became my favourite incessantly quickly so now I’m being a tad bit inspired by it, okey-dokey. I’m sorry if this is jerky, it feels like it is, but I tried to fix it up as best I could. Also, the version change because I didn’t like the last title.
This piece was told differently. It came across as unconventional and you spoke directly to the reader as if you were talking to them, I liked that. It was a different take and view on this 'storytelling' and it was refreshing. Favorite Lines: "without a whisper left for your hands" There's something about that line I found so appealing. There's emotion and power in the way it was delivered and how it's understood. The overall effect of this piece is remarkable. I love how abstract some of this is and the use of imagery and metaphors is brilliant. Also, the small uses of repetition are minor but clear and not over done.
It seems you appealed to all the senses in a unique way, except the sense of 'smell'. I might have missed it, but I couldn't find that sense being described in your writing. It doesn't have to be the literal use, since your piece is abstract, but perhaps just adding it in there for more details. When it comes to what else I would like to know, perhaps elaborating on the 'again' mentioned in the first line of the piece. Personally, I might be overthinking the 'again' or you could already be elaborating throughout.