Peer Review by yapyapxy (Singapore)

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the silver tears of fallen wishes are a beautiful despair that reflect my depthless, porcelain heart #kickoff

By: aditi


FREE WRITING

wishes are supposed to be forever. when i watched the white puffs of dandelion float away with the soft breeze, i felt my heart go with the seeds. they were like little doves; white and full of hope.  
but every beautiful thing this world has always decays, and dies. 
the fields of black reached out to me, and grabbed onto my glass heart with its dark talons. 
it was if the gray mist had finally lifted. 
thousands upon thousands of eyelashes littered the ashy fields, and more fell from the sober sky like  charcoal snow. 
the wishes were like desperate whispers, echoing in my ears and drowning out my senses.
their pleas were like hands, squeezing and groping my fragile soul.
as i took step after step across the barren graveyard of hope, the sorrow chipped away fiercely at my heart.
their grief was like a blood rose; stunning with hidden thorns.
the lake was molten silver, glittering like piercing iron under the sky of forever black.
silver hope dripped from the fallen lashes, pooling to form the serene lake.
was this where wishes went, i wondered as I walked down the dusty path down to the soft moonlit waves, lapping at the black shore.
as i walked through the thick silver lake made of tears, i pulled off one of my eyelashes, the pain fleeting but ethereal.
it kept floating, refusing to sink as I sink into the leaden waters, until under the chalky, starless sky, a single tear fell and joined the others.

for Dmoral’s contest, #kickoff. I decided to do the endings- where do wishes end up? Hope u 
like it

Message to Readers

im not really a poetry person, so god knows where this came from. hope u like it and understand what I mean(I get it if u don’t this is kinda abstract) but please review, like, and comment. it really makes me day


Peer Review

I was surprised by the fantasy element when the author wrote about wishes; it reminded me a little of Peter Pan – of a land where forever and immortality exists, beautiful but dangerous. Towards the end, the allusion to the lake of tears also reminded me of Swan Lake.


The writer seemed to have constructed a magical universe for where wishes go, and I would've loved to hear more of the details. Is the narrator the only one there? Why is that so?


Reviewer Comments

This felt like a form of prose poetry for me, and I would've liked for the writer to challenge the form further by pushing for more of the out-of-this-world descriptions! Don't be afraid to experiment with metaphors and work your magic on readers. :)

On that note, it was a magical read that made me forget about reality for a moment! The writer had lots of pretty description that carries strong imagery which made me feel immersed.

Most of my comments are in the highlights :')

One last comment would be that the despair in the title didn't really come through in the piece – I felt that it had a little to do with the structure, as I kept wondering where the piece was going. At the end, I thought, oh, perhaps the narrator was just exploring the world she somehow ended up in. We still don't really have a reason behind the narrator's despair – it would be really intriguing if perhaps the piece was interspersed with flashbacks about the wish the narrator had made.

Nonetheless, brilliant effort; I enjoyed your style of writing. Nothing that can't be improved through edits. :)

keep writing ~ Even if you aren't a poetry person now, it doesn't mean you can't be on in the near future! ;) Your descriptions strike me as poetic, so if you're scared about venturing into full-out traditional poetry, you can try prose poetry! Go wild!!