Deleted User

How It Started (Might be a little sensitive)

March 6, 2020

FREE WRITING

12
I can't remember the last time I was happy.



It all started in fourth grade. I had a friend, we'll call her Daisy. Daisy was a second grader and I was a fourth grader, yet we were practically inseparable. Both dealing with medical conditions, we gained a bond over pain, and medical experiences. She was the happiest girl I ever knew. Always lifting people up. Suddenly, her conditions got really bad. She was hospitalized, and on her death bed. I didn't know until I showed up to school one day and she wasn't there. I had not been notified. I remember being devastated, missing my friend dearly. Little did I know how much I'd come to miss them. Only a few day later, Daisy died of brain cancer. That was the main drag of the year. My best friend died, and somehow, I knew things were only going to get worse.

Same year. Our family had friends, we'll call them the Nightingales, that moved to Idaho due to their dad getting a change in job. The little girl in the family, whom I'll call Cassie, a girl I knew very well, was struggling to find a place there. Suddenly, a little girl came and took Cassie right under her wing. Just under six months go by, and suddenly there is a tragic accident. The girl falls off a tree whilst they're playing, and ends up dying in the fall. I felt awful. They were both only 7. 

Fifth grade, I started noticing my health problems expand. It was making me feel helpless, and left scared. I struggled everyday to keep going. I noticed a shift in my moods just like that. I felt extremely sad from every morning to every night. I had surgery done to remove my teeth, X-Rays on my back to make sure it wasn't collapsing my lung (Which it has shrunk the size of them btw) I kept popping joints out of place, and tearing muscles. It wasn't fun.

Sixth grade, I was braced. Due to spinal issues which I'll have forever, I had to get my whole torso braced. It was not pleasant. I had to wear it 16-18 hours a day every day for the next two years. I stopped eating for a while until people started to notice. Then I started again. My grades were dropping because I was in constant pain, and could not focus. I took up aqua therapy, which only a couple months into it, they kicked me out because they said I didn't need them when they were the only reason I was starting to feel fine. Feeling like no one wanted to help me, or be around me in general, I finally fell into deep depression.

Seventh grade was the worst year. I was finally having AWFUL pain attacks. SO bad, I'd stop moving, and just curl up on the floor and cry for hours straight, mumbling to myself that it wasn't real. It would all go away. I don't think It was just physical. I had been struggling to keep myself mentally okay. I stopped caring about my body, and started caring more how my friends were surviving, and trying to help them through their problems without taking time to deal with my own. My grandma (Chambers) was diagnosed with breast cancer, and was struggling with that. My other grandma (Glen) died due to a surgery gone wrong. Not soon afterwards, my grandpa starting suffering from heart failure. MY second-aunt Marie died due to breast cancer on her last treatment, leaving my ten year old cousin and her husband, my uncle, behind. The family reunion felt small compared to the years prior, and we could feel the vacant spaced where they once walked. 

This year is the eighth grade. And all I seem to be able to do is not care anymore. It's so frustrating that I've just given up basically everything so I will stop being tormented for my existence. My Great Uncle Sunny died recently, and my aunt miscarried. That's been the saddest part of this year. My grandpa is sickly because of a broken heart, and I feel stuck in the wraps with my family.

I  know it doesn't seem like that much to some people. I'm probably complaining, and being extremely sad over nothing. Every calls me a drama queen for a reason. That's why I'm so messed up today. That's where there was an outburst on here the other day. I tend to have them when all the pressure builds up way to fast.

Thanks for taking a moments to care for me.

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13 Comments
  • a rose

    Sending lots of love your way!


    over 1 year ago
  • Deleted User

    Thank you all so very much for the love and support!


    over 1 year ago
  • ghostybois

    Oh my god I'm so sorry. It sucks that you've had to go through all that. Just remember, your pain is completely valid. even if it might not seem like much compared to others, you don't have to feel like you're being dramatic. You are always welcome to vent on here. You have reasons to hurt, but you also have reasons to love so don't you forget that.
    Sending internet hugs and love for my favorite writer!


    over 1 year ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    I am so sorry. The things you have gone through, well, they suck. You are COMPLETELY validated in feeling the way you do. And don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. But please. Don't stay in this mess. I beg you to reach out to God. He is the only one strong enough to fight when we just feel like giving up. I haven't been through what you have, but I can say with confidence that I would no longer be alive if it weren't for my wonderful God. Praying for you.<3<3<3


    over 1 year ago
  • ajamwal

    you have a reason to be sad. and i know it hurts to smile, but everything happens for a reason. sorry, if you are not religious, but maybe god thought you were the only one brave to handle this, maybe that is why he chose you. i wish i could do something through writing to give you happiness, wrapped in a box, but i don't know how. you will always have someone to help you (me!). this is definitely not a rant, this is your way of expressing feelings, mine is being REALLY SARCASTIC, when i am angry. try your best to have hope, if you ever need someone to listen to, just comment or something, i know you need the reassurance, don't worry corn, all of us have got your back. thank you for changing me and letting me know i don't struggle nearly as much as others. okay, now VIRTUAL HUGS CORN!!!!


    almost 2 years ago
  • hi i'm jackson ;)

    you are not being extremely sad for no reason! did you not just give SO MANY reasons for you to be sad? oh my gosh i feel so terrible for you. i'm over here being like "i have depression" but i have it NOWHERE NEAR as bad as you do. i feel terrible. i'm so sorry, nobody should have to have so much death in their life, combined with health problems. if you ever need anything i can do for you, im gonna be here.
    (if you actually meant we could be friends i'd like to earn the title)


    almost 2 years ago
  • hi i'm jackson ;)

    you are not being extremely sad for no reason! did you not just give SO MANY reasons for you to be sad? oh my gosh i feel so terrible for you. i'm over here being like "i have depression" but i have it NOWHERE NEAR as bad as you do. i feel terrible. i'm so sorry, nobody should have to have so much death in their life, combined with health problems. if you ever need anything i can do for you, im gonna be here.
    (if you actually meant we could be friends i'd like to earn the title)


    almost 2 years ago
  • Starflower

    Please remember that you should never feel bad about yourself! It's not your fault, and there are so many people who care about you! Also, don't feel like you're just complaining. We all need to pour stuff out sometimes, and you're definitely going through much more than most people would go through in their whole life, so you have every excuse to let your emotions out. Remember that we're here for you to be your friends and listen! Stay strong! <3


    almost 2 years ago
  • Jilly17bean

    Wow. I knew you were going through stuff, but that is a lot. You have every right to act the way you id. If that happened to me, I would also be broke. Stay strong. Remember if you want to talk I WILL LISTEN!!!


    almost 2 years ago
  • ABitOfANerd

    Its ok to rant when you need to. We will always support you! Please keep going on and being amazing!


    almost 2 years ago
  • Charisse Marison

    OMG girl!
    I'm so sorry you had to grow up with so much devastation happening around you. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now. I know what it's like to have scoliosis (it should die in a hole!) but never as bad as you. I know it must be unbearable to live with. And, yet again, I'm sorry.
    But don't just think about all the bad in your life. Think also about the good things, the people that make you smile, the people who CARE. Without all these horrible life experiences, would you be the person you are today? An amazing writer, kind person, and friend of mine? Probably not (I mean, we'll never know). All I know is things happen for a reason. Keep persevering and never give up. Things will get better. God gave you this life to enjoy, not to struggle with. I truly hope things get better for you. You are so brave! Also, I know you like Dear Evan Hansen, so let me quote a song: You Will Be Found. And, every time you are struggling, just remember all the writers on this website who you have inspired. Who love your writing. Myself included. You are such a great person! You are always there for me, even when I feel like crap. I really do pray things turns around for you. Until then, keep hoping. Keep hoping life will get better. Keep hoping thins turn around. And always remember: If you are ever lonely, remember you have a friend in me :)


    almost 2 years ago
  • Deleted User

    Thank you @Maryam Q! I will try!


    almost 2 years ago
  • Maryam Q

    Dude, I am so so sorry you have to go through so much at such a young age. Stay strong, okay? <3 <3


    almost 2 years ago