Peer Review by Julia ♬ (United States of America)()

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Trying...

By: zalma


FREE WRITING

She entered the living room, airy and overly- lit due to its electric light and the drawn curtains. Everyone was there, mom, dad, and Emma. As she entered, they all looked towards her. She was sad, the dark shadows around her eyes stained them. She had spent so many sleepless nights. She sobbed, and then spoke,
"Mom! Dad! Emma! I am sorry. I am sorry, but I did try. I tried all these days. I have smiled, laughed, cheered up, doing all those crazy things. I have been trying, against my moods, against my feelings." Everyone looked curiously at her, trying to understand what she was speaking of, what she was talking about. But she ignored their expressions, and the questions they held in their eyes. She continued, and spoke, told them everything she had been holding in, because she could not bear that anymore, she could not bear the burden on her heart, the burden of those words, the words which ached her heart for so long. She spilled the words out of her mouth and got rid of them.
"... but I am proud that atleast I tried. I am trying..." They heard a knock on the door, and everyone's attention directed towards the sound, but she ignored. On another thud shaking the door, she just could not ignore.
Everyone vanished into air, and everything too. She felt numb, unable to make it out, and then she was not in the living room anymore, no one was. She recovered her senses, and found herself in a dimly lit room, smaller than the living room, and that smelt of an amalgam of soap, shampoo, and phenol.
"Rose, come out! Everyone is waiting for you.", she heard. She was in her bathroom, standing before the sink. She looked back in the mirror, and reflected herself. "Rose," she heard again and recognised it was Emma's voice, soft and honeyed. "Yeah, coming." she replied, turning the tap on. She washed her face, and went out smiling.


Peer Review

I think that the way you wrote this piece was very interesting and effective. For a long time, it was mysterious and hard to understand what was going on, but the fog cleared away in the ending, and the message stood out very well.


I'd like to know more about Rose and why she feels this way. What is the reason for her depression? What motivates her to keep trying? Do her family know about this, or does she convince them she's okay with her smiles? Other than that, I think it's good to keep this piece fairly dream-like, because it has a unique tone that's great.


Reviewer Comments

There's just a few issues here with grammar and sentence structure, but those should be easy to fix, and I highlighted most of them. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this piece. You're a great writer! Keep it up! :)