Peer Review by aditi (United States)

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Midnight Encore #Wonderland

By: Aurelia.Valus


FREE WRITING

She looks to the sky. Hope and sorrow glisten in the moonlight of her silver eyes. They wander to those who have nothing. Who merely hang onto scraps of their forgotten lives. It’s all but a thought away. She can expunge the hunger and strife that plagued them day and night. She wants for nothing, her empty heart filled with meaningless tools made only for regret. 

She dances to the rhythm of her once beating heart. Her careless movements touch the earth, breaking it apart. Her delicate arms make the fluorescent flowers rise. The radiant sun shines as she hears the birds start to cry, and accepts it as her forsaken prize. 

Her song is a soft, sweet melody that soothes the air around. She loves those whom she cannot help. Enticing them into their vital sleep. Yet, her only wish is that she were singing a duet. Cool and crisp the air around her sings her songs to the heavens above. The chorus awakens their long slumbered souls. They look upon what great kingdoms she controls. 



My Lady, what will you do?
 

Ok, so I typed this in five minutes while listening to some DEEP instrumentals, which is always the best thing ever XD

Need some feedback though, anything I should fix, go into more detail with, etc.

Message to Readers

I would really appreciate if you took the time to comment/review this piece. Always love your feedback!

This is for @AcetheticallyPleasing‘s contest. Go check it out!!!


Peer Review

I liked the mysteriousness of this- the fact that there is no clear plot, just a character with desires and feelings. I think that the present tense contributes to the present pain, how the character is feeling the pain here and now. I highlighted parts of the piece that I thought were very descriptive- the characters feelings are very clear in the highlighted sections. I also thought they were written very creatively, as well.


Maybe the ¨rhythm of my once beating heart¨ I don´t know if it is just a figure of speech, or a reference to her past. And also her desire to sing. I would definitely like to hear more about her past, maybe the setting as well. setting often contributes a lot to the tone of the passage. I think that the last statement in italics could be expanded a little more. It doesn’t really tie in with the rest of the story, but I think it could if you add a little more after. Also, what is her kingdom, in the character’s sense? Is it the kingdom she lives in, or rules. I think references to her past will make the writing more mysterious, leaving readers wondering what happened to the character.


Reviewer Comments

I think you should include a flashback, which could deepen the context of the story. An imbedded story could help the readers understand where her pain is coming from.