Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
I would really appreciate if you took the time to comment/review this piece. Always love your feedback!
This is for @AcetheticallyPleasing‘s contest. Go check it out!!!
I liked the mysteriousness of this- the fact that there is no clear plot, just a character with desires and feelings. I think that the present tense contributes to the present pain, how the character is feeling the pain here and now. I highlighted parts of the piece that I thought were very descriptive- the characters feelings are very clear in the highlighted sections. I also thought they were written very creatively, as well.
Maybe the ¨rhythm of my once beating heart¨ I don´t know if it is just a figure of speech, or a reference to her past. And also her desire to sing. I would definitely like to hear more about her past, maybe the setting as well. setting often contributes a lot to the tone of the passage. I think that the last statement in italics could be expanded a little more. It doesn’t really tie in with the rest of the story, but I think it could if you add a little more after. Also, what is her kingdom, in the character’s sense? Is it the kingdom she lives in, or rules. I think references to her past will make the writing more mysterious, leaving readers wondering what happened to the character.
I think you should include a flashback, which could deepen the context of the story. An imbedded story could help the readers understand where her pain is coming from.