Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
I can relate to the difficulties of writing sonnets, because I had to write one last year. It was really hard! Also, your piece has a mysterious feel to it that I really like.
I would like to know if you are the narrator of this sonnet or if it is fictional character. Why does the narrator loathe the eyes so much? What happened to make the relationship between the characters so tense? This sonnet leaves a lot for the reader to imagine, and I got somewhat confused in places. As you say, the iambic pentameter wavers sometimes, but overall I think it is really good and probably better than I could have done. :)
I don't think that it's necessary to put numbers in front of each line because that makes it seem like each line is supposed to be separate from the others. You made a good effort to imitate the old English style of writing, and that made it interesting to read. Good job, and good luck with your English class!