Charisse Marison

United States of America

Disney Fan
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Theatre is my life
Favorite food: Everything!
Always trying to help out fellow writers get their voices heard
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Message to Readers

For maryam q's contest. I've always kind of liked murder mysteries, so I decided to write one of my own. Please don't judge too harshly XD

Not a Coincidence #letsdothis

October 25, 2019

FREE WRITING

5
I still remember it so clearly. We were driving to my soccer practice. Mom was in the front, eyes on the road. I was twiddling with my thumbs, oblivious to what was abut to happen. Suddenly, Mom began to hyperventilate. I was young at the time, so I didn't really know what was going on. I was just bopping my head to the music blaring loudly from our MP3. But, soon the car stopped abruptly. Without warning, my mom unbuckled my seatbelt and brought me up to her lap. "Honey." Her breathing at this point was heavy and her body was trembling. "Something is wrong with Mommy," she panted.  felt the blood drain from my face. "Someone did this to me. it was-in the drink-" At this point, she was almost choking. "Supermarket flowers, hon. Supermarket flo-"
And then she slumped over on the dashboard. Her body went still. Just like that, my mom was dead.
It was the worst thing in my life.
They called it an accident; they said she was drunk and her liver collapsed. But I knew the truth. She had said someone did that to her. And I knew all the answers would be revealed in "supermarket flowers."
Whoever it was, I would make them pay. They WOULD pay.
*******************************
Now, I am 15 years old. It's been a while since I had thought about my mom. School had literally taken over my life. Every single moment I had was spent studying for a test or working on an essay. While I work, I like to listen to music. i don't have Spotify, so I use My Mix on Youtube. most of the songs are from musicals (Les Mis and Hamilton, let's go!)
But one song suddenly came up.
"Supermarket Flowers" by Ed Sheeran.
I had listened to this song for years, looking for clues. But I have never found anything. It's just been a depressing song that makes me miss my mom even more. But something about this time was different. I heard something different. It mentioned names: Matthew and John. That made me wonder: did Mom know any of these people? And were any of them related to the death of her?
**************************
I brush through my attic, searching for any people named John or Matthew. I know the song mentioned a "photo album made by Matthew" so maybe the answer is in there? I honestly don't know, but I have to try. Finally, I find a dusty old album from before I was born. I frantically flip through all the pages until I stop on something interesting. There is a photo of my mom, a couple years younger, with a handsome boy. They are both laughing. The caption at the bottom of the photo says "Amanda and Matthew, 2000. Wait, wait, wait.......was this Mom's old boyfriend? What happened between them? Could this give Matthew a motive? Excited, I turn a couple more pages until I stop on a letter written by Matthew. Wow, this guy was mad at Mom. Probably for breaking up with him. But this Matthew guy sounds pretty scary. And VERY VERY angry at Mom.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
The morning of her death, she went out to breakfast with an old friend. It was Matthew! I'm sure of it! He had a motive, he sounds mentally unstable, he's the perfect culprit!
"YES!" I exclaim, doing a victory dance. I've found my mom's killer!
"I wouldn't celebrate just yet," a hushed voice said behind me. I whirl around-
Matthew is pointing a gun at my head.
 

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  • October 25, 2019 - 9:58am (Now Viewing)

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8 Comments
  • Maryam Q

    I remember reading this and really enjoying it! I think it needs a touch of editing, though.

    Firstly, it's a little rushed. Maybe make the second and third parts into one part? That would certainly make it feel less hurried through.

    Another thing is that you could structure the sentences a little better. "Suddenly, Mom began to hyperventilate. I was young at the time, so I didn't really know what was going on. I was just bopping my head to the music blaring loudly from our MP3. But, soon the car stopped abruptly. " It sounds a little all over the place. It could be smoothed out a lot by changing it to "I was bopping my head to music from the MP3 when the car came to a sudden halt. I looked up, confused. I noticed Mom was breathing very fast, but I was way too young to understand what was happening." This is more systematic, in my opinion.

    Otherwise, the idea of using names in a song for a murder mystery is awesome! Don't worry too much about the things I pointed out, they improve as you keep practicing!


    3 months ago
  • Maryam Q

    Competition results are out... Thank you so much for participating! https://writetheworld.com/groups/1/shared/138396/version/268432


    3 months ago
  • aditi

    Wow this was great! The lead-up is so cool- I think using a song was a cool idea.


    3 months ago
  • Maryam

    I have a bad habit of getting scared over literature, and this piece did scare me (well, the ending did). It was so compelling, which is weird because I usually stay clear of this type of genre. My sister though, loves this type. You definitely get an A+ from her.


    4 months ago
  • Maryam Q

    Awesome story!! I love murder mysteries, too!


    4 months ago
  • astrorbit__04

    I was on the edge of my seat


    4 months ago
  • Julia ♬

    Yikes, the ending kind of caught me off guard there... Good job!


    4 months ago
  • Bookworm101

    Nice ending :D


    4 months ago