Peer Review by efflorescence (United States of America)()

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plato diss track because he's elitist

By: Ruthh


FREE WRITING

it's dark in here, my love, ever so cold.
i'm shivering, my darling, your chains are 
biting, like the shadows on the wall with 
their big, big, big, big teeth, slobbering maw;

and i'm wondering, sweetheart, why am i
here? in this place of dust and gloom, covered
in blood and ignorance. is that a blindfold, 
dear? over my eyes? no, it's just the shadows

that writhe and tangle like collapsed veins.
i've pierced them too much, babe, it doesn't bring
me joy anymore. all you do is look
at me, honey. look further, look deeper

do you see the skull beneath my skin, the painted layers on my cheekbones? the sharp hollows of my eyes that are bloodshot with tears and more, drunk on you and your shadows that are dancing a most powerful dance, like black swan, no, not the ballet, the film? you know the one, all jacked up and that, crazy, we watched it last weekend on the wall, the shadows were longer and the clock was striking over and over again like a hammer in my head, a spanner in my works, a wrench on my bolts.

i want to leave, please, to climb out of the
dark and the damp. the mould is growing on 
me, now. it's on my thighs and my eyebrows
and i never suited green and yellow, 

i'm not the spring growth. i'm the winter decay
i am your bare branches. why can't we leave, babe?
is it my short skirt, or my accent? my
skin? is it our birth? our upbringing? our lives?

we're at the bottom of the ladder.
they're greasing our hands. 
we aren't enlightened.
just darkened. 

'only philosophers are valid' - plato tkbc

Message to Readers

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Peer Review

Your imagery was very dark and a little gruesome, but I loved it all the same. I think your figurative language really managed to capture the narrator's angst and bitterness through a lyrical yet horrific lense. Some of my favorite lines were: "...it's just the shadows / that writhe and tangle like collapsed veins" and "do you see the skull beneath my skin, the painted layers on my cheekbones?"


I'll admit that I was a little lost while reading this piece, but it wasn't necessarily a negative thing (if that makes any sense). Even with the storyline being so nebulous, I was still able to appreciate your imagery and writing style. I'm not familiar with Plato's philosophy at all, so maybe that's why I was confused. I'd love it if you could enlighten me about what inspired you to write this piece (or at least explain the meaning behind your unique title). Also, I think you should expand on the second-to-last stanza a bit more. To me, it did not feel as fleshed out as the others, and I found the jump in the middle of it a little disorienting.


Reviewer Comments

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your piece! It was definitely a lot grimmer than the poetry I usually read. Nonetheless, I loved your figurative language and the way your writing style follows the narrator's thoughts. I also really liked how you made the made middle stanza read more like a prose poem. Whether it was intentional or not, it really heightened the madness and intensity of the climax.