aryelee

United States

19 and boppin

Message from Writer

out of the deck of lgbt cards, im the ace

im dippin in like one week y'all should know where to find me by now

it's not love, but it's the closest we've got

October 10, 2019

FREE WRITING

6

i rip myself open for you,
                        rib by rib by rib,
                        deconstructing myself as a means of sacrifice,
            
                        or love.

will this ever be enough?
please, i'm  begging, please tell me when it's enough;
my fingers are digging into my thighs
pulling for more because that it what you ask for:
                                                                    more & more & more & more

what gluttony has possessed you?
                                                                what loyalty has possessed me?

you ask for more and i give it to you because i don't know what else to do,
i want to give myself to you fully but i, too, am selfish.
please, give in equal measure.
i have given you all of me and more
through flesh and bone and blood.

                                                                            but i have never even seen your bare back.

don't treat me like art--
                                            behind a do not touch sign.
                                            in a glass case without any fingerprints.
                                            distant, always separated by distance.

i love you because i cannot stand myself,
and maybe i am selfish because even as i give myself away to you,
i use you as a stepping stone to a new body but i tell no one this.
                                                                                                                        not even my reflection.

so i shall less & less until i am nothing;
stuck in your shadow, i will beg you to speak to me, talk me through it, guide me in reanimation.
no need for a lightning strike;
                                            your fingers trailing down my spine will be enough.

this wretched beast i have become--
                                                 its own claws will discard its fur & flesh
                     stuck between
                                                                    girl                       &                       monster
                                                                            transformation frozen at 50%

and i'm not religious, but your voice is god, speaking to me in the darkest hours:
        Use Red Thread To Stitch The Wound,
        Bind Limbs To Torso With A Sewing Machine.
        Cry & Cry More Until Your Heart Is Wiped Clean
        But Do Not Let Names Litter Your Tongue.

one day i'll be remade,
rising from my grave with softer hands
and my stitches will be cut as we say goodbye.
you'll still love me
                                        but we won't need each other any longer.

and yes, i know this is a tragedy in the making,
                                            disaster on the horizon,
but i have survived stronger storms;
i will be your lighthouse
                                                                guiding, in the distance, never close enough to touch,
                                                                                            
                                                                                                but there nonetheless.


for now, i will tear myself apart and you will ask for more,
and i will keep giving to you.
for now, you will hold me in the bathtub, wipe away our mascara
and we will call both acts of violence
                            

                                                                                    love.



 
glad the muses possessed me before midnight today cause i got two midterms tomorrow in latin and japanese and if i can't sleep bc i gotta write down some sweet ass lines, i will fail :)

Print

See History
  • October 10, 2019 - 4:51pm (Now Viewing)

Login or Signup to provide a comment.

3 Comments
  • agustdv

    ah... reading this is a special type of torture because i was in this position once. or maybe i still am.

    so it strikes chords. many chords.

    i'm in awe. just speechless, utter, wonderment and awe.


    about 1 year ago
  • Dani A. Remlap

    "what gluttony has possessed you?
    what loyalty has possessed me?"
    The dual question, the wondering what is wrong with the both of you is gorgeous.

    "one day i'll be remade,
    rising from my grave with softer hands" This is just. God I wish I didn't relate

    I love this. It's aching and painful. It's an echo and the sound that made it all at once. All broken voices and too cold hands and the feeling of tearing yourself apart because you have a reason to now. I love this


    about 1 year ago
  • loveletterstosappho

    i'm always in awe of how masterfully you manipulate formatting and this piece is no exception. the "girl & monster" with "transformation frozen at 50%" below it and between it is my favorite bit of excellent formatting here, i think, but my favorite line overall is "and maybe i am selfish because even as i give myself away to you, / i use you as a stepping stone to a new body but i tell no one this. / not even my / reflection." because wow?? constantly in awe of your writing, also i'm getting active on tumblr again so i'll be sure to give you a follow


    about 1 year ago