Peer Review by Starflower (United States)

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Churning Waters Pt 1

By: Charisse Marison


 Warning Prologue 
Once, a long, long time ago…...Just kidding. This story is not a fairytale.
So if that’s what you were hoping for, you might want to swim away now.
If I had the choice, I’d swim away from my story too.
But I don’t have that choice.
You do.
Lucky you.
Alright, I’m not gonna spend any more squid ink on this.
You’ve been warned.
Hence the title “Warning Prologue.”
That should make sense now.
Actual Prologue
(21 years ago, Charisse’s father)
Frederick had never felt so exhilarated in all of his 21 years of life.
He was breaking the rules.
It felt good.
Frederick had never been a rulebreaker. It was expected of him to be perfectly proper. He was always on his guard because he never knew when someone was watching. One misstep and his whole kingdom would somehow find out. This is the  first time he’s had a secret that no one else knew.
It was hard to keep it hidden.
He was in love.
True love he thought would never come. It was expected of him to get an arranged marriage.
Technically, he was. He was going to marry a princess from Alcyoneum. Frederick thought she was rather too dignified for himself. Way too proper. 
So anyway, he was SUPPOSED to marry her.
But she didn’t hold his heart like his true love.
Even her name screams of loveliness.
The moment they first met was at a royal ball held in Aquaria from kingdoms as far as Thibault and Torregrossa. Frederick recalled the whole palace had been covered in glittering pearls and seaweed drapes. Sea horse-drawn carriages had begun to arrive, each supporting the country’s   colors. Frederick had never been that excited for the event until the Kingdom of Beaucache arrived in a baby pink and scarlet buggy. Escorts quickly swam in front of the carriage doors to help the royals out. 
The first lady escort was poised with elegance and charm and was beautiful beyond measure.
Yet she had seemed a little mischievous as well.
The other escort had taken Frederick’s breath away. She was not nearly as pretty as the other one, yet something about her told Frederick she was a kind soul. Her piercing gray eyes had met Frederick’s where he was watching from his balcony. She had given him a beam and a small, unladylike wave. He remembered feeling the urge to race downstairs and immediately ask her to dance. It would be an act of rebellion. He was supposed to spend the whole evening with the princess from Alcyoneum. But he knew he couldn’t let himself. Not after seeing this lady’s beauty. Frederick had reluctantly torn himself from her gaze and had begun putting on his best kelp suit and tie. He combed his hair back and looked in his sea glass mirror. 
He had known back then he had better look his best for the mysterious maiden, even if she was only a servant.

Message to Readers

Hi! I've worked REALLY hard on this story, but I published all of it in 1 entry and no one read it. I think it will be better if I do it in pieces, so this is the prologue! Your likes means more to come of this story, so remember to like!

Peer Review

This story has a very unique style that is interesting and engaging. The characters are well-developed and have their own voices, especially Charisse later in the story. That's really hard to do but you're very good at it.

I think that in this prologue you could set up the scene a little more by describing the setting in more detail. It would be great to have some imagery of this underwater world because there are so many opportunities for description. You have a long string of events and internal thoughts, but maybe it would be nice to step back sometimes and add some imagery and description. Anyway, I really like the way you set up this prologue!

Reviewer Comments

Great job! It was fun to review this piece. I'll try to review the next part of your Churning Waters series when I dig myself out of my pile of review requests. :)