Peer Review by Deleted User (Australia)

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Day and Night

By: Charisse Marison


FREE WRITING

I was walking down the halls,
Thoughts were bouncing in my head,
Then you started moving towards me,
And soon I just stopped dead,
For prom was coming up,
I had still no invitation,
I've watched you from afar,
In the deepest admiration,

My heart started pounding in my chest,
A blush crept across my face,
I stood still to hold my ground,
As you quickened up your pace,

I could feel my skin was burning,
As he gave a cocky grin,
But he was looking just behind me,
At a different girl named Jin,

He ran right up to hug her,
Jin smiling in his arms,
No longer was he beautiful,
He soon lost all his charms,

For I could tell he'd never be mine,
And I knew that I was right,
He a jock and I a nerd,
He the day and I'm the night
 


Message to Readers

Hi! I thought this would be cute, because we've all had those crushes that never worked out! Please don't tease my work, I am just a writer trying to get better!


Peer Review

There is a really cool ring to it! The rhyme, I can literally see myself there in the action. Your description is amazing!


Maybe elaborate on the characters? Yes, I do like the current detail, but more would be awesome! Just a thought.


Reviewer Comments

Thank you for writing this piece, I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing it! I hope you find my feedback useful, but do remember its only my opinion, some parts of where I believe could be improved, you may disagree with it and that’s totally fine!