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evabrooke26

United States

Message to Readers

This site is completely new to me, so I'm not quite certain what I'm looking for. I know this is very out of context, and thus reviewing it would be a bit challenging. I'd greatly appreciate any general comments!

Pages from a work in progress

April 27, 2016

FREE WRITING

0
 
Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I let this happen, it’s my fault and the worst part is I am far too much of a coward to do anything about it. I think about you a lot, all the time, except I am too afraid to try and fix it. The guilt is almost impossible to live with, but at least I am living. Writing this out only helps for a short period of time, I don’t deserve even that relief.
Pages upon pages of Aaron’s dilapidated notebook were filled with ramblings such as these, many harboring more despair and self-loathing than this particular one. Often times he crumpled them up and threw them away, because even reading the words was too painful, and sometimes he left them there, always scrawled in jet black ink, to remind himself of the kind of person he was.
There was no outlet for the kind of pain he felt. Well, there was actually, but for all his despair, he was still more afraid of dying than living in guilt. And that fact brought even more despair.
It was on the thirteenth day of living (but not really living) that Aaron decided he must pay the price for his actions.  He must give himself up in hopes it would satisfy them, though he was certain it was futile, he had to at least try.
So back he went, back to that dark place, a virtual melting pot of fear and anger and hatred. His insides swirled with foreboding as the unseen force began surrounding his inner being. Any will he had to fight it was gone due to the immense guilt that was crippling, overpowering.
The motion of his feet was no longer a conscious decision. Any prior resistance was waning and depleted with every step forward. His mind grew foggy, like a mirror filled with steam after a hot shower. “Finally,” Aaron mumbled softly, feeling his body and mind heave a sigh of relief as the trees came into view. He needed this relief from the negative energy that had been plaguing him, not that he remembered what it had been. All he knew was he had a purpose here and that purpose was to forget. Remember to forget.
Aaron knew where he was going subconsciously. It beckoned to him, preyed upon his desperation to feel numb and let go of the now unidentifiable pain. Once he got to the tree and saw the hat, his memory came flooding back with a vengeance. Emily’s hat, left here because she never returned from this evil place. It knew. It knew that Aaron had become aware again and this time it would make sure he never returned.
He had only a moment or two to come to terms with this before the world in front of him flickered to black and the soft ground gave way beneath his feet, but he was not falling. Instead, he was suspended in midair, mid-blackness by an unseen force.  Torturing him, teasing him, letting him know it had the power to drop him into the abyss but at this very moment was choosing not to. Aaron could see nothing but unending darkness.
On a misguided whim, he called out: “Emily?! Emily, are you here?!”
Any chance he had at hoping to see the light of day again with his friend was gone by speaking her name. He was not supposed to remember anything or be able to control his own thoughts here.  Time and time again he had visited such a breeding ground of evil, hoping this day would finally come. And now he had ruined it.
The nonexistent ground was suddenly whooshing beside him, and he braced for an impact he knew would not come. His ears popped, un-popped, and re-popped, feet danced underneath him, begging for solid ground of any form. The real torture was not in this physical deprivation of normalcy, though. It was her.
Flashes of Emily’s pale face and green eyes, lips barely turned up in a smile overcame him. This was before he had pushed her, made her obsessed with the place that was far too cruel for her wounded heart. Even after he had seen though her defenses, the I-don’t-give-a-shit exterior, even after she had let him in, trusted him, he still corrupted her. All she had wanted was to be loved; love he would never let himself give to her because he always had a feeling something would go wrong. But not this, never this.
Another image flashed before his eyes now. Her eyes were closed and her dark brown hair was strewn messily across her face. Though Emily’s skin was always pale, it seemed even more so now, ghost like. She seemed to be the mist surrounding him, the image not just in front of his eyes, but surrounding his being.
Aaron’s senses were in overdrive, both begging for and rejecting the feeling of Emily everywhere. He squeezed his eyes shut as everything began to swirl, and he was unable to discern if it was himself or his surroundings.
Vision began to fade, conscious thoughts became murky. There was no point in him fighting a battle impossible to win, so he patiently waited for whatever awaited next. He did not feel that his body or soul was especially attached to him. He was just the inhabitant who no longer deserved either of them.
The overwhelming golden brightness pierced through his eyes, shut so tight they hurt. Taking a moment to adjust to the environmental change, Aaron allowed his sensitive eyes to open. The trees were eerily still, the clouds didn’t seem to move, and no creatures came scuttling from their habitats.
Weary and exhausted, Aaron forced his legs to because usable again. Nothing moved, or made any sound, only him. Only the crunch of his feet on the dead foliage, and the sound of his heart slamming in his chest broke the vast nothingness that made up his surroundings. Instinctively, his feet began guiding him back to the college, a place where people had to be. The sun was still high in the sky, indicating it was probably early afternoon.
The worn down building, usually streaming with students coming in and out, studying, or loudly discussing something was now completely vacant, at least from Aaron’s current point of view. The sun, high in the sky just moments ago, was now hidden by clouds so dark they had to be unnatural. Of course. He, or the beings he had given himself to, had caused this, and Emily was still nowhere to be found.
You just don’t get it, do you?
The voice manifested in his head, but did not belong to him. It had an almost wispy quality, like the fading of one’s breath in freezing air. If he imagined it hard enough, he could hear the tones it shared with Emily’s, if you ripped her voice of all feeling and humanity. It hit him then, metaphorically, but he might as well have been slammed to the ground. He didn’t rescue Emily, not even close. She was no longer Emily, she was no longer human. Instead, he had paved the way for whatever force she had been taken by.
His perceived fall-on-the-sword, Shakespearean heroics had been nothing but a gateway. They didn’t need his soul, they needed his access. Somehow, in the blink of an eye, an entire population had disappeared.
They had spared him for a reason. Perhaps it was punishment, since he was indeed the catalyst for all of this, or perhaps it was something more sinister. He had been used to capture Emily, and now once again, on an even larger scale. So he was their middleman, their link. He was their puppet.
Warning others was out of the question. Would anyone even notice? Ponderosa wasn’t exactly the tourist capital of Wyoming, no one wants to visit a town named after a goddamn tree. All that remained of it was one mentally unstable teenage boy who could ramble on about evil trees.
 Somehow Aaron felt going public wouldn’t help the cause.
 

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