I had my first crush on a girl when I was eleven.
Dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin, skinny
Small lips that I wanted to kiss
Didn't know what that meant
Because I was eleven, and eleven means you don't know anything, and eleven means that anything is okay because bisexual was a word you just learned and--
When I told her, she didn't look me in the eye.
I remember embarrassment
I remember trying to forget
I remember telling myself
That I shouldn't look at my friends that way--
I had my second crush on a girl when I was thirteen.
A wild toss of blonde hair and a wide grin
She danced because she knew the lyrics to every song
I watched her mouth the words with delirious envy
And I wanted to sing them with her, wanted to dance them with her, and she looked so pretty in her polka-dot dress and--
I never told her.
I was never sure
If I had liked her or if I just envied her
I told myself I wanted to be her friend
Told myself no, told myself that yes gay is okay but not here, not now, because I knew that though no one would say anything about it she was still painfully, heart wrenchingly, straight and I was not and--
I had my third crush on a girl when I was fifteen.
We'd joked we were dating
But something about her drew me into her orbit until I wasn't sure if I wanted it to be a joke anymore
Hair down to her waist, a figure to die for, a sharp tongue and mean wit
The kind of glint in her eye that meant oh no, I'm in trouble And I would have dated her but--
If I had a little more courage, we would have kissed at homecoming.
On the balcony, in the open air
Her head on my shoulder, her lips inches away from mine
I would've done it, but I didn't and though I don't regret not kissing her because it wouldn't have worked out sometimes I still look back and wonder what if, what if--
I've said it to my boyfriend.
And I've said it to a group of people at lunch because the words
Welled up in my throat so I said them
I've said it to myself, quietly, when I was alone
I've said them to my best friend, in the library, a girl that I have never had feelings for
And now I'm saying them here--
I like guys
But I also like girls
And admitting it even to myself has been hard
so hard But I have, and it's here on the internet, so I can't take it back and pretend I never liked [Kate] or [Lyra] or [Brooke]--
Pretend I never wanted to kiss her.
Pretend I never wanted to to be held in her arms in a way that was less than platonic
Because I have, and admitting it makes me feel free but also terrified, though this is the internet and I am anonymous it is still here, for everyone to see--
But that's okay.
I grew up in a liberal state, in a liberal area, in a liberal town. Progressive in every way. My third-grade teacher was gay and out, openly and happily. Yet something told me that i should be straight. It would be easier if I was straight. I was probably just pretending to be bi. This wasn't my parents' fault--they were accepting of everyone. It was my middle school, where I had never met another LGBTQ kid. And part of me knew intrinsically that if I came out, I'd be different No one would say anything, but I'd be different. As an awkward nerd already struggling to find their niche, I just couldn't let that happen. So it's only now, sophomore year of high school where there is a thriving LGBTQ community, that i can finally tell people that yeah. I'm bi.