3703274d4d24ea8081c207c4dbd7aabd

r|A|i|N

United States

"ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which i will not put."

Message to Readers

editing helps

please comment. likes tell me nothing & i really want feedback

siren song

September 8, 2019

FREE WRITING

7
like my face has been pressed across hot flames
my mind, my tongue, my rosy face - precious things
succumb to scalding storms; and saliva burns
in my throat; and lips bitten and bled seep
ruddily down my face, and warm now tastes of metal and life.
i am charred and mad.  but my lungs breathe
with her lungs - my mind gasps for spoken air -
my feast - my flesh - my oxygen - how i need!
and the water does not feel as i reach splintering
hands into hell-cold blues, and maybe i sigh
with that too - the tide streaming and steaming
in supple gusts, in drums as my eyes roll
into my head; and lust and loneliness
are sprawled into my brain and body and it is all
with the tide, and the gentle siren’s song.
blistering ears sealed and secure, steadfast, and
she knows what i know and she wants what
i want, and i thrash burning hands
for life and for love, for doom and for death,
for two hearts - two lives - two hells.  and the waves part onto
bleeding rocks; and i slide between crimson boulders
and how i love her - as i fade to blackness, to tide,
to earth, to hell, to desperate want.
under pluto one day i shall have her, and seize her
with fingers hot as the forge, and as my skull
is smashed into stones there is a smile on my lips
and a word on my tongue.  i will see her again.
i will see her forever.

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  • September 8, 2019 - 9:39am (Now Viewing)

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7 Comments
  • r|A|i|N

    thank you so much!!


    8 days ago
  • loveletterstosappho

    i'm obsessed with this--it's taken me multiple rereads to try and figure out what to comment because i don't think you just want to read "holy shit" repeatedly. i always love alliteration and repetition, both of which you wield so skillfully in this piece ("streaming and steaming," "lust and loneliness," "sealed and secure, steadfast, and/she," "for life and for love, for doom and for death," "two hearts - two lives - two hells," "skull/is smashed into stones there is a smile," "succumb to scalding storms; and saliva"). also your diction is so fucking wow? god this piece is like alcohol. i think i could get drunk off of it


    8 days ago
  • Anha

    sorry it took me so long to leave a comment, but this piece is absolutely phenomenal! you definitely delivered the frantic tone, with truncated sentences and dashes used to your advantage; a brilliant use of form to portray such obtuse emotions. amazing work!!


    9 days ago
  • rainandsonder

    your writing just keeps getting better and better. some of the descriptions here are absolutely fantastic! i really loved this poem!


    9 days ago
  • aryelee

    this is so gorgeous!! the imagery and the way you convey the desperation and madness is incredible. the lines where you list things, like " two hearts - two lives - two hells" are some of my favorites. not sure if this will help much, but you could try playing with the formatting of this poem and move around lines and words to make it look and feel more chaotic. i've found that poems i wasn't feeling to great about just needed some formatting, since the placement of lines can really emphasis certain words/emotions/etc. i can't wait to see where you'll take this poem!!


    11 days ago
  • BurningMidnightOil

    So i have a problem...I loved it! It actually does make sense (to me at least); you depict her desperation and longing so wonderfully and beautifully. The imagery and vocabulary is off the charts. The way it both made sense yet didn’t is poetry. Beautiful. That’s all I can say. Well done!


    11 days ago
  • r|A|i|N

    forgot to add this in msg to readers, but i wanted to include a note to reviewers/commenters who are providing feedback:
    this poem is supposed to a desperate and insane feel. a lot of lines and phrases don't make sense or are sort of backwards, and it's supposed to be that way - i want to make the madness of the narrator convincing. just wanted to let you guys know, because i feel like if anyone reviews this i'm going to get a lot of "this doesn't make sense??" and i want to utilize this tone. thx for reading


    11 days ago