Peer Review by Dmoral13 (United States of America)()

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For The Valiant #Ashes

By: BurningMidnightOil


FREE WRITING

Murmured by the harps of the underworld,
Was a requièm for the souls.
For the damned
And dishonoured.
The song echoing in the vast obsidian fields.
The greying, dead grass swaying in a wind not present.
In the far distance, 
Dissonant wails harmonized with melancholic music.
Telling the tales of the forgotten.

Ghostly figures travel across
The weathered stones of the ancient steps
Each step, descending toward the ring,
Where man was pitted against man
Soul versus soul.
Heart against heart.
The ultimate battle
For a magnificent death.
And for the glory of the gods.

They fought with fervor and fire.
Their souls, so bright, so eager for triumph.
Each man scrutinized his opponent,
Looking for an opening, a flaw.
It was then, did the men clash.
They struck with enough force,
To shake the earth and sky.
The crowd roared with bloodlust and delirium.
Triumph.

The sand was stained 
with crimson blood.
Out of the dust,
Stood one victor.
His arms raised above his head
While his body gleamed with exertion. 
His opponent,
Lay on the Colosseum floor,
Eyes staring glassily at the endless blue.

The crowd thundered in approval
As the victor was granted the laural wreath.
The dead man was dragged away.
Forgotten.
Thus, the song of the dead played on.
Murmured by the harps of the Underworld,
Not only for the damned and dishonoured,
But also for the brave and valiant.

Finished: (5/05/2019 10:52PM)

Message to Readers

Feedback and critiques are great appreciated!


Peer Review

What delighted me most about this piece is that it not only tells a story but also describes something. Many authors write stories OR write descriptions about a setting, feeling, or thing, but this author did both. The main thing that surprised me is how this author views the underworld. Instead of a burning, fiery, raging place, it's slightly more monotone and grey. This interpretation really made this piece unique.


During this piece, I did wonder whether the battles happen in the underworld or in the real world. For me, it was slightly unclear which. In addition, I noticed there was no mention of Hades or Lucifer. It would be nice to see where they fit in, like as an audience member, perhaps a judge, maybe a rewarder. Lastly, I think what happens to the losers/dead could be deepened slightly.


Reviewer Comments

This piece was delightful and I love everything about it! Great writing!