Peer Review by Deleted User (Australia)

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Birthday

By: ajamwal


PROMPT: Child Narrator

I wake up by the sound of my mom whispering good morning and pulling the curtains open. My eyes flutter open only to see a thin silver device's speakers vibrating, the curtains automatically drawn open. The awkwardly shaped object against my bedroom wall ejects with a tray of my favorite heart shaped poached eggs, boba tea with a silver, twisted, metal straw, and avocado toast, but only my favorite when mom serves it. A sleek robot ties my hair up with my favorite rose gold scrunchie, its cold metal fingers brush against my scalp as I shiver, remembering mom's warm fingers as she gifted me my first scrunchie. I pull on a soft grey high neck top against some jean shorts, as the sleek robot fastens a diamond necklace and combs my perfectly even dark hair. I slip on my backpack as I read the memo at my door.
 
January 17th, 3990.

Happy Birthday Alex.

I grimace at the perfectly written handwriting, longing for mom's perfect, but imperfect handwriting. As I enter the kitchen, I reach for my lunch bag and type in the temperature I want it to stay at. Before I leave, a robot plays an audio message, 

"Hey Al, I am getting a promotion today, and I couldn't drop you off don't worry the robots have got it all sorted out, have a great day sweetie." 

I sigh, and close the door, she forgot my birthday.

just a warm up after a writing break '(-O-)'

Message to Readers

this is my all time favorite piece i have written on wtw, i had originally written it in second point of view. i tried to turn it into first person, but there were still mistakes left. this is the edited version, enjoy.


Peer Review

This piece, set 2000 years in the future. I love the narration throughout this, the way her morning pans out, the way even her waking up is described. Just beautiful.


'I grimace at the perfectly written handwriting, longing for mom's perfect, but imperfect handwriting.'

This is my favourite line out of this piece. The robot, it's perfect, it never gets anything wrong but the mum, its human and Alex's wishes form mum's perfection, not just a recorded message


I do like the ending that you currently have but just as this piece is so amazing, I believe you should extend on this last sentence. Instead of making it just one sentence, create a paragraph, show more of how she feels, her actions, her emotions. Just a thought :)


Reviewer Comments

Thank you for writing this piece, I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing it! I hope you find my feedback useful, but do remember its only my opinion, some parts of where I believe could be improved, you may disagree with it and that’s totally fine!