Peer Review by efflorescence (United States)

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the crime

By: paigepodesta


this roller rink is a sacred place. in its neon lights, she is quiet and wide eyed and scared. she is an atheist praying for forgiveness to the fluorescent doodles on the dirty carpet. her crime is only attending the church of cheap pizza and bruised knees to see a blonde girl from math class. her crime is practicing for two weeks on her driveway and still crashing into the girl she was trying so desperately to impress. her crime is feeling butterflies as their noses brushed. her sacrilege in this holy roller rink is unforgivable.


Peer Review

The first line was really interesting because it refers to a roller rink as "a sacred place". This drew me in because a roller rink is not something one would normally describe as being holy, and I wanted to know what made this particular place so special and significant. Plus, the title "the crime" made me assume that something illegal or equally as heinous had occurred, which again clashes with the idea of the roller rink being sacred.


I think you excelled at planting the idea of a "crime" without giving away all of the details until the end. All of the references to religion, such as "an atheist praying for forgiveness" and "attending the church of cheap pizza and bruised knees", furthered this idea that something wrong (or at least perceived as wrong) was going to happen. Everything built up to the second to last line, which I loved because it was so sad but sweet at the same time.


No, there were no places where I thought there was too much left unsaid. I think you did a good job of providing a little bit of backstory and context to the moment, like when you say "her crime is practicing for two weeks on her driveway..." This develops the character (it shows her determination and desperation), and it also helps explain the current moment.


Keep going! I think you're off to a wonderful start, and I really enjoyed reading your story. You excelled at including figurative language and vivid descriptions, which is always hard to do, especially when there is such a tight word limit. I also think you managed to convey the main character's emotions very well, allowing the reader to connect and sympathize with her.


Reviewer Comments

Overall, I loved your piece, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. There were a few instances where I made some minor suggestions to tighten it up, but I think your story was amazing regardless. Good luck in the contest <3