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ajamwal

United States

Hey, are you reading my bio again?!

˓˓(ृ  ु ॑꒳’)ु(ृ’꒳ ॑ ृ )ु˒˒˒

Message from Writer

Minimalist | Professional Nap taker | Professional Netflix Marathoner | Harry Potter and Marvel lover | Study Blogger

ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭ ✧Join the WtW Fantasy League!!✧

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Also check out my novel "INCOGNITO."

Remember to accompany your likes with a comment!!

Flash Fiction Competition Pieces: Which should I choose? PLEASE COMMENT/REVIEW!!

August 14, 2019

FREE WRITING

9
The Song of the Rain Forest
He sat atop a high rock in the rain forest twiddling with a twig as the bird perched on his shoulder drilled small holes in it. Softly blowing in it, producing a sweet tune. He nodded at the bird as it attempted to produce the same tune, its tongue flailing. 

"The Song of the Rain Forest," he sang as a jaguar rhythmically purred.

"If you're quiet you might hear it. That's what I'm here for, to teach you the song."

The bird wheezed. As he sighed glaring at the smoggy air,

"Soon, our song will never be heard again."

A Stroll Through the Library
Version 1
I adjust my glasses and begin reading, the smell of fresh parchment filling the air. The more I read the more indulged I got. The sounds of footsteps and raindrops against the windows inaudible. A gush of air rushes through the room, whisking the book from my hands. I spot my book gracefully flying in the midst of other books. A tornado of letters erupts from the floor of the library I fall back, feeling a tap on my shoulder.When I open my eyes a lady appears ahead of me. 
"Excuse me, the library is closing."

Version 2
My eyes flutter open, as alien creatures hover over me in excitement,  

"Wha-," 

Their slimy skin shining in the starry night. I slowly backup from the mob of creatures until I reach a dead end. I turn around and a queen, ruthlessly orders punishment to her sobbing servant. 

"The Medieval- whoa!" 

I started to uncontrollably shrink and dived into the queen's jewel encrusted crown. I delve deeper until I finally approached a large wrinkly ball.
 
"Cerebru-" 

"Wingardium Leviosa!" 

As I float I feel a tap on my shoulder. 

"Excuse me, the library is closing."
 
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE review my piece, I would be glad to review yours as well. Please comment down below, which one you liked best and if you chose "A Stroll Through the Library," please identify which version. Please be BRUTALLY HONEST, I don't think many of you will understand "A Stroll Through the Library," but it's worth a shot. Thank for reading and remember when you like, to accompany it with a comment. Thank you <3

Also check out my novel "Incognito," edited versions of the last six chapters are coming out, stay tuned. (*´꒳`*)

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21 Comments
  • ajamwal

    I would be glad to, I was actually considering to. Thank you @weirdo for your feedback, we are back at a tie.


    10 days ago
  • weirdo

    personally, i prefer “the song of the rainforest”. because, yeah, it’s a lot easier to understand and i think the last line is very good.

    i would really like a review on my piece “let me fly~a short memoir (excerpt)”. thank you so much!


    10 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Ok, a few last announcements:

    1. Thank you for all the support! I think I am going to go with "The Song of the Rain Forest." I know, I know the majority voted "A Stroll Through the Library" Version 2, but I just feel it is too risky, I would immediately get 'eliminated' from the competition if the judges are confused, so sorry, hope you understand!

    2. I will be submitting this as a final in a few days, SO please provide your comments soon. The reason I am submitting this early is because I will not be active for a few weeks, unfortunately :(, but I am not gone, like in a few weeks I will be annoying you guys again.

    3. Would any of you like a review?? They will be very late since I am inactive and I will only accept specific pieces, so you can't say "any of my pieces," because I spend like hours trying to figure that out.

    4. Happy writing and if you are participating, good luck in the contest hope you win!!

    **I might be creating a piece on this.**


    10 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Yes, I have definitely noticed that @Okapi, I read your fantastic piece on jellyfish, thanks for the feedback, happy writing!!


    10 days ago
  • Okapi

    I like "The Song of The Rain forest". I love animals and the environment and this explains the real threat that they are facing. Good luck.


    10 days ago
  • ajamwal

    thank you @emmiewrites, i will keep that in mind!!


    11 days ago
  • emmiewrites

    definitely version two of a stroll through
    the library!


    11 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Thank you @Maya42 and @New York_dreamer, for your shared thoughts, wow, it is tied 3 to 3, I don't know which to choose!! Please ask other writers to comment, but I think I will be leaning towards "The Song of the Rain Forest," for it would be the worst if the judges got confused, they would immediately put it to the side. I was thinking maybe to explain a full story for a stroll through the library, but I still need more comments. Thanks for all the support!!


    11 days ago
  • Maya42

    I would go with A Stroll Through the Library Version 2 the best because it has to most imagery and really transports the reader. Can you review my pieces too?


    11 days ago
  • New York_dreamer

    Personally, I would go with "A stroll through the library" version 2 because it really drew me in. It has beauty, fantasy, and adventure. I love the pictures you drew in my mind and I think it would be an amazing entry for the competition! :)


    11 days ago
  • Boogie With Stu

    You're welcome :D


    11 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Ok, thanks for your comment and helpful opinions @Boogie With Stu!!


    11 days ago
  • Boogie With Stu

    It has more action then the first version and sounds more realistic. And The Song of the Rainforest sounds like it should be a lot longer of a story making it not the best for flash fiction.


    11 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Oh, that is different, can you explain why?


    11 days ago
  • Boogie With Stu

    Definitely A Stroll Through the Library Version 2. I'd have to say it's the best :D


    11 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Thank you @--RosieOnTheRun (from reality)--, now I can use an extra word!!


    11 days ago
  • --RosieOnTheRun (from reality)--

    My favourite is the song of the rainforest, I like the simple interactions between nature and the man, and the way you build atmosphere within the limited word count. I know its a small thing but the 'as' in the second last line disrupts the flow slightly; you could use the extra word to add more description! Out f the stroll through the liabry the second on is defiantly clearer- Love the references and the idea of getting out in fantasy lands!


    11 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Thank you SO much @K. Marie Christen, your input was very helpful, I will be SURE to take that in consideration. ('U')/


    12 days ago
  • K. Marie Christen

    I agree. The Song of the Rainforest was better. Also a lot easier to understand. If you go with A Stroll through the Library, go with version two. While still confusing, it is easier.


    12 days ago
  • ajamwal

    Thank you so much @Mistress Moonbeam, for the speedy, but helpful response, I really appreciate it. Thank you for also telling me which version was easier to understand. Good luck on writing and have a great day!!


    12 days ago
  • Mistress Moonbeam

    My favorite piece was the song of the rainforest. Maybe you should add a few more animals other than the bird and the jaguar—maybe more imagery of the forest. I’m not sure if all those will fit in the word count, but overall, this piece was really good. (The other pieces were too, and if you would want to choose the stroll in the library, choose the second version, it’s easier to understand.


    12 days ago