AcetheticallyPleasing

United States

Asexual || Dreamer || Hufflepuff
Hopeless romantic dreaming to find her true love
Songs || Stories || Poems
In love with two people, plus someone who can never be mine.

Message to Readers

Just some things I'd like to explain :)

Issues

August 11, 2019

FREE WRITING

3
I have anger issues.
But they're not the issues everyone else talks about. I don't lash out really easily or have the world's shortest fuse.
My anger issue... Is I'm not allowed to get angry.

"Oh, no, Ace, it's just you're not allowed to act on your anger in destructive ways-" 
No. I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm not allowed to show it on my face or go quiet or answer improperly. I have to control my facial expressions, my words, my heartbeat, my angered tears when they try to fall. I'm sure anyone else with strict parents can relate to an extent. 

I have trust issues.
But they're not the issues everyone else talks about. I don't have a trust-no-one complex. At least, I didn't use to. 
My trust issue... Is I trust too much, too easily. 

"Ace, I've seen your writing. You have a very hard time trusting anyone."
You're right, dear reader. I do have a hard time trusting people. But what made me this way? Trusting too easily, forgiving too quickly. I get scolded for forgiving people too much. I alternate between trusting absolutely nobody and trusting everybody with everything I have. Right now, it seems easier to tell all my secrets to those online than to the closest people in my life irl. Is anyone else like this? I'm sure there are plenty. I don't like feeling alone.

I fight with my optimism.
But it's different. It's not the way you think, but it's probably the way you are too, if you're anything like me.
My optimism... Is selective.

"Ace, you're not optimistic either. You barely write about anything happy on here. You're so depressing."
Yes, yes, I am depressing. But it's easier to write when you're upset than to write when you're happy. My optimism works in the same way social anxiety does. Where you can't make get ketchup for yourself, but once someone with worse anxiety needs it, you're out of your seat immediately. My optimism only works towards others. Towards myself, I can only think of the worst thing that can happen. But when a friend of mine or even a stranger who talks to me is upset or worried about something, I see the absolute brightest side possible.
I know your boyfriend still loves you.
I believe everything will blow over by morning.
Your best friend is just upset, give her some space.
You're not responsible for anyone's happiness, if you're trying to make someone happy and it's not working, that's not your fault at all, you haven't failed them. 
There's always someone who will love you.
Even if right now, that someone is simply me.


These are my issues. Can any of you relate?

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  • August 11, 2019 - 5:11pm (Now Viewing)

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2 Comments
  • Cierra.Nervo

    HELLO, FELLOW WRITER. (An early PS message, thanks for liking my writing, it means a lot to me that a professional writer enjoys my writing.)

    Anyways, this is a beautiful piece. I don't know words to say that describe how beauitful it is. But of course, the realization is not pretty. But the fact that the truth is so real is what makes it beautiful. A beautiful horror. I am sorry for what you go through, if this is a true story. I don't relate with everything that you say, but I go through issues with my own. Including trying not to show my anger. Just remember you aren't alone. I know this sounds cheesy, just like how everyone says AWW SWEETIE, WE ARE HERE! That is not what I mean. There are millions, no, billions in the world who understand you, and you may never meet a single one of them. You may die before you read this post. True, sad, realistic. But remember, you aren't the only of of your kind. Your a species that is sadly thriving. Sadly, for the species is sad.


    about 1 year ago
  • jaii

    this is so me that it’s kinda creepy. i have a strict dad and i can’t really express my anger without him making me feel bad about it. i used to be really trusting but now i’ve realized that never went my way so i don’t really trust anyone to know anything about me except for the wonderful writing community here who knows more about my feels than my own family and friends. and i’m always giving the most optimistic advice to my friends but treat myself like a piece of shit who will fail in life.


    over 1 year ago