Peer Review by Sarah Trieu (United Kingdom)

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Please don't cry

By: Myth

"Caroline? Are you there?" he rasped.

He heard her lovely voice say, "I'm here, Ben," but it sounded so faraway. He felt her hand slide into his own.

"I can't see anything."

"I know, honey," she replied, her voice breaking.

His eyelids felt so heavy. "Sorry, but I'm getting really tired now. I think I'm gonna take a nap."

He heard her choke back a sob, and he wanted nothing more than to hug her. "Okay. I love you," she gasped.

"Please don't cry. I love you too," he whispered, before he closed his eyes for the last time.

Peer Review

The simplicity of the title - in three words, you have told the reader two things. First, it's going to be a sad piece. Secondly, the characters are going through a distressing time.

We know that Ben is going to die due to the heavy implications of death - first of all, taking a nap, and secondly, when he closes his eyes for the last time. On top of this, we know that Ben and Caroline have an intimate relationship because they love one another and say it out right.

"I can't see anything." - I don't know why he can't see. Perhaps you can elaborate on this or leave it ambiguous.

This really wrenched my heart, really well done. Despite the fact that there's a lot of dialogue, you have managed to construct a fantastic story!

Reviewer Comments

This really highlights the moment of Ben's death and you did a great job of creating the atmosphere and evoking emotion from the reader. Well done.