Peer Review by loveletterstosappho (United States)

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He’s crazy for her

By: Destbrat


The girl next door made him crazy. Despite
her not not even being aware of his existence, it was her beautiful ignorance that made him desire her even more.

Her laugh was more addictive than any drug on the market. Her cheeks rosy and warm in even the coldest of rooms. Her hair always gorgeously bouncy, even while she slept. Her skin felt angelically smooth. She breathed softly and quietly, her lips sealed. He stood over her, brushing his hand over her unconscious body. Her scream made him absolutely euphoric.

Sitting in his cell he longed for her.

 

always open to feedback! <3 will review wherever reviews mine :)

Message to Readers

Hope you enjoy!


Peer Review

it was the title; i really thought this would be a cheesy love story and i was really in the mood for some self-indulgent, feel-good love story pieces so i clicked and this.... was not at all what i was expecting lmao but in a good way!


the ending is great. i love the way this escalated: the beginning was pretty normal, nothing out of the ordinary, people crush on people who don't know about them all the time, right? and describing her laugh as addictive and her cheeks as rosy and warm was cute, and i liked it. then there was the part where her hair and skin were described i had a moment of "uh, how does he know what she looks like in her sleep?" and "hOW DOES HE KNOW HOW HER SKIN FEELS IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW HIM" and then all of a sudden he was standing over her and she was screaming and i was absolutely s h o o k e t h. you never directly say why she was screaming or why he's in jail, but when those two lines and the escalation of the descriptions as creepier and creepier combined, the inference can definitely be made. well done!


i don't think so--in fact, i feel like there are parts where too much is said, almost? by that, i mean the beginning. the normality of it is what makes the ending so great, but at the same time, i feel like the beginning could use some more... spunk? more attitude? more suspense? it's not very eye-catching. you don't have to change what it's expressing, because otherwise you lose the careful escalation, but you can change how you express it. more vivid description is one way to do so, which i think would work very well here.


good luck! i already expressed how much i liked the escalation and how SHOOK i was at the ending, so there isn't much else to say. maybe consider expanding upon some of your descriptions of the girl or making them less cliche? idk, some of them seem very general and don't REALLY tell me about why he obsesses over her so much--what's so special about her? are there any distinct features? i'm not saying that people need to have distinct features to be likeable, but i think that more detail and more original descriptions could be beneficial.


Reviewer Comments

i really think that you could make this piece even better by adding more sensory details and maybe swapping out some of the more general descriptions of the girl for richer, more vivid, more unique ones--the concept has lots of potential!

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