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Destbrat

United States

I like to write

Message to Readers

All types of feedback welcome! :)

He’s crazy for her

August 12, 2019

The girl next door made him crazy. Despite
her not not even being aware of his existence, it was her beautiful ignorance, that made him desire her even more.

Her laugh was more addictive than any drug on the market. Her cheeks rosy and warm in even the coldest of rooms. Her skin angelically smooth. Her hair always gorgeously bouncy, even while she slept. She breathed softly and quietly, her lips closed. He stood over her, brushing his hand over her unconscious body. Her scream made him absolutely euphoric.

Sitting in his cell he longed for her.

 
always open to feedback! <3

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2 Comments
  • Phia

    This is really intriguing! I like the sudden jump to a new line after the despite. Anyway, I really enjoyed the descriptions. They're very keen and help me imagine this person a lot easier. And you strayed away from the generally cliché descriptions, too, like saying her hair was shiny or that her voice was angelic. I also really like the twist you put in, because that suddenly made the main character a lot more complex.
    The last few lines were mostly clear, but I'm not completely sure if I understand them right. The main character hurt her somehow, possibly because he cared for her so much, and then ended up in jail? You may want to put in some more hints to what happened, like maybe bruises on her, or how he finally got to touch her, etc.
    And one last thing to correct. When you say he "stood...", it's slightly confusing, because your entire story is in past tense, so I assumed at present he was standing over her, but then you contradict yourself by saying "sitting..." which means that he currently was in prison. This isn't a big mistake or anything, but it does interrupt your flow just a little.

    This story was really good thanks for writing it!


    11 days ago
  • Destbrat

    Will review whoever reviews mine as well! ^


    13 days ago