rainandsonder

United States

"the audience is only safe when the story isn't about them."

they/them - probably listening to sufjan stevens

Message from Writer

an important piece by outoftheblue- https://bit.ly/3dBxv5r

black lives matter & pride is over but the fight for lgbt+ rights is year round.

bio quote is from the magnus archives

it's called a vanity, but it's hard to be vain buried underneath all this

August 8, 2019

    addie leads me to her parents' bathroom the instant the adults wander away. i'm dumped at the vanity, and she attacks the drawers. her deft fingers toy out brushes, mascara, blush; her hand curls around a tube of lipstick. they examine me, crooning aunts ready to pinch my cheeks and eyelids and lips. it's a store sale: "everything must go."
    addie cradles my face; her razor eyes drop to my legs. "you need to start shaving," she says. "boys don't like hairy girls."
    with the way she hides me beneath makeup, you'd think boys didn't like girls at all. 
    
i don't normally enter wtw competitions, but an idea occurred to me for this one. this is just a rough draft, so please be as harsh as you want with your feedback! as always, commenting is way more helpful than liking.

Print

See History
  • August 8, 2019 - 11:44pm (Now Viewing)

Login or Signup to provide a comment.

10 Comments
  • loveletterstosappho

    i disagree with some of the comments about the title; i go weak for long titles followed by beautiful writing. it's a personal preference, i guess.
    something i didn't see anyone else point out is the line "her razor eyes drop to my legs. 'you need to start shaving,' she says." and i find this line crazy brilliant with the comparison of her eyes to razors in regards to leg-shaving?? i also love how addie handles the narrator so delicately (cradling her face) while telling her that boys can't like her the way she is--it's just such a nice contrast and so telling about the relationship between the two.


    over 1 year ago
  • luluwrites111

    this is amazing!


    over 1 year ago
  • LilyC

    I really liked the piece! However, I agree with ajamwal that the title should be shortened. To me, it's unneccesary to explain the story in the title. I might suggest simply "Vanity" as the title and let it stand as a double meaning, but really you can change it to whatever you want, I just think it needs to be shortened.


    over 1 year ago
  • Kenny

    Hey, you expressed interest in joining my reviewing club! Here's the link:
    https://writetheworld.com/groups/1/shared/123846/version/237614


    over 1 year ago
  • Kenny

    this is wonderfully written, but 'crooning aunts' didn't make much sense to me at first, i had to read the whole thing twice to understand.


    over 1 year ago
  • ajamwal

    whoa, whoa... this is good. it is short but CRAZY GOOD!! the way you describe everything is very fitting, many writers try so hard to use too much description, it sounds good, but you can notice it very easily, your description is different it fits so comfortably in your writing. i love the theme of this too, i don't really like the concept of makeup, after all humans' skin is not actually made for putting on all these products. i do admit the "aunts crooning," is a bit confusing, i read the comments to figure out what that meant, because i thought all the adults had gone. also the connotation you used made a striking impact, like "attacks the drawers" instead of opening the drawers and "dumped at the vanity" instead of seated in front of the vanity. the last thing i would suggest is to maybe shorten the title, titles should not give away too much, they should be short- not misleading, but ambiguous. the last clause, is like one of the best endings i have seen on write the world, but again i don't have too experience on here. to end this comment REMARKABLE JOB!!!! i really wish i could write like this. thanks for the inspiration :P


    over 1 year ago
  • Mistress Moonbeam

    @Tola the Human, I believe that there were only two characters in the bathroom, and that the “aunts” were actually the makeup in metaphor. It was a brilliant metaphor—and piece—too.


    over 1 year ago
  • Anha

    such a powerful message in so little words. your descriptions are immaculate and succinct while still being emotive and impactful. a good first draft, interesting subject matter and controlled use of language and pacing. i don't know how to help you improve this - i don't have much experience this this kind of topic, nor am i able to write it myself - but i wish you luck for the competition.


    over 1 year ago
  • Tola the Human

    *last line


    over 1 year ago
  • Tola the Human

    read to my mother and we both let out a simultaneous ha after that last libne... very powerful indeed, a really good example of flash fiction although I'm sort of confused as to how many people are in the bathroom.. is it just addie and the narrator? that's what i assumed but the aunts crooning line trips me up til I'm not sure...
    Compliments from West Cork, Ireland!


    over 1 year ago