Peer Review by Emma16 (United States)

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Fire

By: MarSan


It's a crisp autumn morning and there's a congregation of dark figures around a white casket. Two stand at the front, the others whisper about the pain they must feel. Their father's scorched face stares back at them.

"Someone killed him" she whispers to his brother, dabbing on her cheeks. "It's symbolic"

"Burn him ? He always had enemies, and a tendency to smoke... Although, you don't seem mad about it"

"Bastard deserved it"

He looked stricken.

"Not so loud or you'll lose your part of the will"

"Tell me that when you've washed the cinder off your nails"


Peer Review

The fact that the daughter thinks her father was killed drew me in. Also the line "it's symbolic" really intrigued me. It implies a lot of layers to the story, that made me want to read on.


You did a really good job of implying a history. The father clearly has a history, and a mysterious history, too. The daughter has a history in that she thinks she knows something about her father's death. There are so many things the reader wants to know. Also, you implied the father was rich, and got his money in shady ways, which really made the story more interesting.


I don't fully understand the meaning of "it's symbolic" and "washed the cinder off your nails". They are really good lines, and I think you should keep them, but I think you should explain them a bit more. I don't understand what the funeral is a symbol of, and I don't understand what the girl is referring to when she talks about the "cinder". I understand it's a reference to how their father died, but why would the boy have cinders on his nails? Did he kill their father?


Keep at it! You definitely have a lot of interesting, unexpected elements, which is a good thing. Honestly, I wish this was longer; I'd like to know more about this family.


Reviewer Comments

I noticed that you never put a period at the end of every sentence in dialogue. Since it's convention, I would suggest putting a period at the end of the sentences in dialogue, unless you have a reason for not doing it.