Peer Review by Lia Kares (United States)

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Telescopic Ivory

By: paloma_cc


PROMPT: Lunar Phrases

    Grandmother Moon overlooks the children in the sand. She is a breathing time capsule. Far away from us all. She lives in a bullet-holed black house. Mama Moon wouldn't dare cover them up. The canyons of her face and the calluses on her hands embrace her children in the darkness, teaching them to not fear the night, but to live within it. 


Peer Review

Unlike most of the other pieces under this prompt, you didn't just say "the moon." Instead, you incorporated a simile into the very name of the moon. You called the moon "Grandma Moon." This works really well because I feel as if you had said, "The moon is our grandma," this piece would loose its flow. This metaphor presents the moon as someone who cares and watches over us like a stereotypical grandma. I'm super impressed!


If you decided to change this piece into a poem, I think you're already basically set to go. Most of your lines have a rhythmic flow like a poem. I do suggest trying to create some type of ending rhyme and repetition if you change this into a poem. I believe by doing that, your poem will stand out against the rest and be quite catchy!


Reviewer Comments

I honestly love this metaphor! It made me think about the moon in a different way. To me, the moon is just the moon and nothing else. But, in this piece, you brought up stuff that made me think more about the moon. i'm absolutely awestruck with how good all of your metaphors are!

Anyway, keep on writing! I see a lot of good metaphors waiting for you to make them haha :)

- Karen