It started out like a dream, like a goal inaccessible by anyone else. The words were dipped in sugar and the kisses tasted like honey. We held hands like we’d never let go and our hugs were the closest thing we’ve ever been to home. Promises were always kept, and every I love you felt so real, unlike all the illusions or deceptions my mind had conjured in the past. With every sunrise and sunset it seemed as though we were getting closer and closer to our happily ever after… we wanted to explore the four corners of the earth together, to see the seven wonders together, to experience life together. We wanted to soar, to defy gravity, to chase the sun and the moon and stars…together.
But humans aren’t made to reach the sun as we soon found out. Not even humans with the courage, the audacity, and the wings could ever fly that high. We were like Icarus; so young, so enthusiastic to take to the sky, we didn’t believe that if we flew too high, too fast our wings would melt. Once they did, things turned from a dream to a nightmare. It felt like you were throwing darts at my balloon heart, trying to pop it using all your effort to make it burst. Words became daggers, and kisses tasted like sickly-sweet poison, the hugs felt like a prison and the promises were broken locks and the happily ever after was just a load of wishful thinking and the I love you ‘s stopped coming. Yet I still held onto your hand, despite the grip crushing my bone, as we plummeted from the heavens to the deepest level of hell. I knew if I’d let go of your hand i’d stop falling, because you were my weight. If I let go, I knew that Id stop falling so fast. I’d float slowly like a feather, yes, i’m still falling, but slowly getting better. But against my better judgment, blinded by ‘love’, too scared to let go, too scared to move on, too scared to think that their might be something better out there for me. I was stuck holding onto this stand of false hope that maybe, just maybe, I could fix things, but despite my greatest efforts nothing prevailed.
We met the same fate as Icarus…but in a way, our ending was worse.
I would have rather been like Icarus, crash landing in the ocean. At least there we would have been able to drown surrounded by beautiful things. Instead, we met a more grisly demise; well I did at least. When we finally reached the pit of hell, you managed to land on your feet while I landed face first one a hard piece of grey concrete. I drowned in blood and tears and hatred and broken promises and I swore to God I’d never fall in love again if I’d always land like this.
Then I began to think, maybe I shouldn’t be afraid to love, just because I am afraid of the outcome. Endings are always the worst part, but I’ll never be able to skirt around them. So I do believe I will take things as they come, sit back and enjoy the ride and deal with the heartbreak when I must, because, as they say, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.
The last nine months had been amazing, and I do not regret anything I did or said. While in the end I do feel deceived, and slightly mislead, I do know that you still loved me for the most part. Just because things didn’t work out didn’t mean it was all for nothing. The universe held five sticks in its hand and told us to pull one, and we happened to have pulled the shortest. It wasn’t up to us, which one we pulled, but up to fate and chance. We loved each other wholeheartedly but we loved at the wrong time. We didn’t know this in the beginning, how bad our timing was, so we made big plans and we were excited for the future. But then all of a sudden the clocked stop and the alarm went off and our small bumps in the road started to grow into mountains. But no one ever told us that we should have just stopped there, instead of trying to persevere. We thought we could fix it, but it just wasn’t in our cards. We lost our sky, we lost our wings, and worst of all...we lost each other.
We will spend our time wandering through hell, witnessing the worst pain and loneliness we’ve ever felt. But one day our wings will grow back. With every positive thought, a feather will sprout from our backs, one by one. Maybe it will take weeks, months, years, but eventually we will take back to the sky. Yes, everything up their will remind me of you, but I will think fondly of those memories. And maybe someday we'll meet again up in the big sky, and maybe this time the universe will have our backs and we can try again…or maybe not. Either way, I’ll be okay, because I learned it is better to have loved you and lost you then to never have had the chance to love you at all, and that even though I would rather have someone to face the sky with me, I am not afraid to fly it alone.