Peer Review by apurvaiyengar2 (United States)

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The Begining of Somthing that Later Ruined my Life

By: Grace Croken


FREE WRITING

    My first kiss was in the basement of the mall near my town. It was with a boy who would later become my first love. I still remember the old sweatshirt I was wearing and the fact that I was so nervous, I couldn't even look this boy in the eye. Everytime he tried to hold me, I would giggle and pull away. We were both each other's first kisses, but for some reason he was so much more confident than I. I remember my cheeks turning a bright shade of rose and him just smiling and telling me to close my eyes...and I did. I can still feel his hands on my face and his chest against mine and his smell filling my nose. Even to this day, the scent of his cologne still lingers on my skin. No matter how hard I try to scrub it off, I never can seem to rid myself of his smell. I have come to despise it, but at the time, and for a long time afterwards, it was my drug. 
     His lips were warm and plush and soft and wet. It tasted vaguely metallic, though i have no idea why - neither of us had braces. I remember opening my eyes in the middle of the kiss and being surprised - and slightly jealous - at how long his eyelashes looked from that close up. At that moment, a sudden surge of passion and admiration for such a beautiful creature filled my being and embody my soul. In retrospect, I have to imagine that was the first moment i knew I loved this boy, even if I didn't consciously recognize it yet. 
    I then remember feeling like the kiss went on for way too long and I felt awkward because i didn't know how to move my lips the way he was moving his and I didn't know what to do with my hands so I just let them dangle on my side.  
   It was the most disgusting, most strange, most amazing feeling i had ever experienced.  
   Then it was done - gone like a bolt of lightning. But when we both pulled away, my small pale hands still held by his, the electricity was still there. We smiled at each other like fools and I felt dizzy and disoriented and it was one of those times where you couldn't really tell if you were awake or not. It didn't feel real, and yet it was.
    God...i grew to love that boy so much more than I ever should have. 


Peer Review

"God...I grew to love that boy so much more than I ever should have. " The narrator's own nostalgia evokes an identical feeling in this short sentence.


Curiosity.


Why does the narrator have mixed emotions toward the boy and why does the scene take place in the past?


Reviewer Comments

Try to use commas instead of ands. Using more than 2 ands in a sentence makes the author/ narrator seem immature. However, if that is the intended effect, then do not listen to me! :)