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rainandsonder

United States

musica est vita

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Message from Writer

"if you punish a person for dreaming their dreams / don't expect them to thank or forgive you,” -the mountain goats

“everything's in order in a black hole / nothing seems as pretty as the past though,” - the arctic monkeys

lowercase is intentional.

/əˈtərnədē/

July 22, 2019

FREE WRITING

11
this is my eternity:

trees hauling the heavy air like a stooped atlas
and poisoned california sky, rocks breaking through bleached
grass like desperate fingers reaching from a frosted 
ocean. wooden obelisks strung with bent wire trace this 
writhing world, and the hills climb from the
desolate grassland like steepled
hands praying, reaching for the unfathomed blue.

we're all reaching out here. telephone
pole crosses and praying hills, a
stooped atlas with begging knees and
bent back, and how we grasp at a
california sky. an intangible blue sprawl imprisoning
a bleached stretch of forever (and they pray
not for worship but for mercy).

it feels like i could hit my head on the
sky but when my fingers cry and lunge they only drag
on the weighted air. i had been too petrified by time to
read before i scrawled my signature, but
it had said, in the fine print:
e-ter-ni-ty (noun)
/əˈtərnədē/
1. a contained forever, a bleached
2. ocean of grass with desperate fingers reaching for
3. a poisoned blue.
i've spent too long editing and revising and touching up this way and honestly i'm still not satisfied, but i'm never going to get it done if i keep going. what did you think? if you have any critiques, please leave them in the comments or write a review, and if you enjoyed, also drop a quick comment! feedback is important.

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7 Comments
  • ghostlyglory

    this sits different.


    about 1 month ago
  • aryelee

    this is absolutely breathtaking!! using the same words in each stanza, then the definition really pulled everything together and made this piece even more powerful. the imagery you use is so gorgeous and vivid, i'm definitely going to be rereading this a lot! i really loved the lines: "he hills climb from the / desolate grassland like steepled / hands praying, reaching for the unfathomed blue", "(and they pray / not for worship but for mercy)", and "it feels like i could hit my head on the / sky but when my fingers cry and lunge they only drag / on the weighted air".


    about 1 month ago
  • Anha

    wow! this is absolutely incredible. the lowercase style really works for this piece, and you should be so proud of what you've created. i too loved the atlas metaphors, but it was the last stanza that really hit home for me - the use of eternity as if it was a definition, it's more raw and potent form. stunning work, i'm always loving your pieces.


    about 1 month ago
  • agustdv

    "a stooped atlas with begging knees" is such a powerful visual. I think you say so much in the reserved, restrained words you use, which is such an amazing skill. I'm in love!


    about 1 month ago
  • r|A|i|N

    there is always so much power in your description.


    about 1 month ago
  • weirdo

    Once again, your imagery leaves me in awe. You are truly a wordsmith. My favorite part is an intangible “blue sprawl imprisoning/a bleached stretch of forever (and they pray/not for worship but for mercy).”


    about 1 month ago
  • kasperoviclani@gmail.com

    I read this three times and each time, the image became more vivid and caused an internal gasp (which is a good thing). I think one thing that might not be sitting right is in the last paragraph where 'sky' and 'cry' are in the same sentence, causing a rhyme that isn't found in a lot of the piece. You could maybe space those out a little more and see how it sounds? Overall though, this is very well written. You should be proud.


    about 1 month ago