Have you ever wanted to travel back in time to see what the past was like? To see the Great Pyramids being built, or the first time the telephone was used? Well, you're in luck, because today I am going to show you. All you have to do is take my hand...
Good decision, now hold on tight, I wouldn't want you to get lost. Where are we going? I hear you ask, but the real question is...when are we going? Here we are, Friday 22nd August, 1561, Holyrood Palace, Scotland! Have a look around, breathtaking, isn't it? Let's go inside, there's someone I think you'd like to meet...
Her Majesty, Mary Stuart, Queen of Scotland! Yes, yes, I know! Incredible! Now, you'll have to be careful, as she is the Queen. I would recommend that you are polite at all times, or it could be the death of you, literally! You'll also need to act as though you are from this time period. Oh, all you have to do, really, is walk like this. No, like this. That's it. Me? Oh, don't worry about me, I'll be just fine.
"Who are you?" That's her! You're actually talking to Mary Queen of Scots! Well, go on then, tell her your name. Oh, no, I don't need to. You see, they won't hear me. They can't see me, only you can. Strange, huh?
"Oh, aye! I've been expecting you!" Weird, I didn't think they knew we were coming! "You're the new cook, aren't you?" Just agree, I don't want to get on her bad side! "Well, I'll get someone to show you down to the kitchens."
Right, let's just follow her down and see what you've to do. Did you notice how broad her accent was? What did you think of it? Hmm, yes, quite so, but I personally thought it was quite funny.
"That's them, just down there, lass." Awe, you're so polite! So, any idea what we've to do? How am I supposed to know?! Just... ask that lady over there.
"Aw ye'v got tae do is pluck them feathers affa those geese, dear." Well, say thank you. I think you should get started on those geese now. No, I can't help, they can't see me, remember. Alright, now just act like you belong here, okay? How am I supposed to know?! Stop asking questions and just get on with it!
I don't now when we'll go back. Yes, I create those portal thingies. I don't know! They just sort of...happen. Anyway, whilst we're here, you should actually do something. What do you mean 'we'?! They can't see me, it'd be a bit alarming if they just saw feathers floating off the goose! I think you just...pull. Yeah, like that!
Why don't you be a polite new cook and ask why you're doing this. A big fancy feast, oh what a surprise. No, my job is not to be sarcastic, it's just one of the extra services that I offer. Back to the goose! Yeah, over here, they were mainly eaten at Christmas. It's probably her "Welcome Back To Scotland" feast. She arrived back in Scotland on Tuesday 19th August, 1561, after being in France for thirteen years. She was sent to France on July 29th, 1548, aged only five and a half, so that she could be brought up alongside (and married to) the Dauphin Francois of France. They were married on Sunday 24th April, 1558, and she became the Queen of France (after the King of France died) and Scotland when she was only sixteen!
Imagine that, sixteen years old, and already a double Queen! Never having to work a day in her life! But, alas, Francois died on December 5th, 1560, a month short of being seventeen, poor soul. So she decided to come back to ol' bonnie Scotland. But, no one was there to meet her when she arrived...because she was a week ahead of schedule. So they promised her a feast instead.
Oh, you're done? Good, maybe you can take a break! Ask that woman again. Fold all the napkins into little swans, you say? Looks like no break for us...but I'll help with the napkins, it looks quite easy. Hey, now you're getting the hang of it! Ugh, this is taking forever! Come on, come on! Ooh! We're done! Let's see if we can get a break n- uh oh...
"Where's your new cook?" The guards! If they get you, you're done for!
"Here! Right over here!" I thought that woman liked you! You shouldn't have asked so many questions. "You're coming with us." We'll just have to go with them, there's nothing I can do! I wonder where they're taking us? Looks like we're going outside, maybe that cart over there. Tossed in the back, brilliant. Ask where we're going. Prison?! What for, you ask. Ah, well, you see, they must think you've gone mad. Why? Oh, I'll tell you why. You've been talking to me out loud, and, as I've said, they can't see me, so it must look like you've been talking to yourself.
Yes, I did this on purpose. You trusted me? Ha! And look where that got you! Now you're going to prison for being "insane". What about your family and friends? Well, because you'll most likely die here, you'll never have existed to to them. Clever, aren't I? But why you? Well, remember those history lessons at school where you disrupted the teacher? The group projects where you did nothing, but took the credit? Yeah, well I'm here to "get revenge", if you will, for those teachers, to make sure you learn from your mistakes, and pay attention, because, from here on wards, you're on your own. Goodbye. Oh, yes, I'm leaving. B..b..but..? I hear you ask.