Peer Review by efflorescence (United States)

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Broken People

By: Mr. G


    He has a signature capability. Children freeze, mothers tremble, and men shake. He's only seen at night by those in the fields far from the village. He doesn't kill, steal, or hurt, but a watchful protector of the broken people. They're never safe, so He never sleeps. Some say He can jump over mountains, others say He is stronger than a hundred grizzlies. He doesn't care for speculation, always being busy defending them. They don't see the monsters He fights, but they see running through the fields, His lightning eyes flashing. Then the hear howls of something unholy. They think He is a monster. The real monsters fear Him and howl warnings to the others. He doesn't want to be feared but knows it is necessary for the time being. 

Then trouble struck. Trouble was a sharped dressed lawyer with a grimace. He convinced the villagers that a monster was in the fields waiting to kill them. Trouble then rallied them against Him where they dragged out the protector and killed him. The children tried stopping them, but they were locked in prisons. The women carried him to a grave and gave him a secret funeral. That night His signature capability activated. A hand made of light reached up from the ground as He rose from the dirt. Lightning flashed and struck Him. His eyes were flames. He marched to the down, the fields shining like gold as he passed through. When Trouble saw him, he evacuated the town so no one would see him. There was a great standoff in the town. Then the prison crumbled as the children broke through the walls and surrounded trouble. 
"You murdered the protector", they shouted, "Await judgment!"
Trouble was shaking with rage. The guardian walked forward. Trouble ran forward. 
BANG!
Trouble's hand was broken and his eyes were crossed. 
"Go", He said softly, "Find your fathers, warn them of the beasts, invite them back."
They obeyed and ran into the wilderness.

The town was demolished and replaced with a city of gold, diamonds, and a beacon shining to the skies.
He then sat down in a wooden chair, waiting for those who would come back.

 

Hope you enjoyed my tale.
It was based off an actual event.
Do you know which one?

Message to Readers

What event was this based off of?


Peer Review

I think the first four lines are incredibly compelling! Initially, I suspected He was Death, but you say this is based off an event, so now I'm even more curious. I'm terrible at history, but I hope you can tell me what event inspired this because I'd love to read more about it.


I think the beginning was very strong, but the ending felt a bit rushed to me. I'd love for you to explain how the children broke through the walls and confronted Trouble in greater detail because it sounds fascinating.


Reviewer Comments

I think your piece is really unique! You have a shorter, choppier writing style that worked really well with this story. Even though this is based off an actual event, it read like a twisted fairytale, which I love.