ajamwal ꒰•̹͡ິु•ິू꒱

United States of America

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Just call me "ajamwal" or "aj" the emoticon doesn't format :3

Aesthetic Minimalist | Professional Netflix Marathoner | Harry Potter and Marvel lover | Study Blogger

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Message to Readers

Thank you for reading this poem!! Somethings that I would like advice on, do you think "sweet" was the right word on Line 3? Also, do if you have any areas where you think you could fit a rhyme? Lastly, I think it sounds weird when I wrote "fuel bars" in Line 6 what do you think? Thank you for the advice!!

A Breath #r&scontest

July 22, 2019

I take a breath. 
I walk down my front steps in to the city.
I slowly stride across the lawn.
The sweet and refreshing air conditioning of the house gone.
I look up at hazy views of prodigious skyscrapers, 
its shadows darkening the city.
As I cross the road, I see cars passing by, 
black smoke emitting from its fuel bars.
People all around me masked, and coughing vigorously as if the plague had come again.
You could consider it one.
As night passes by, I look up at the empty sky.
As a child, I loved watching the stars, sometimes I could see my favorite planet mars.
Now all the stars are replaced with smog.
I take a breath.




Thank you for reading this poem!! Somethings that I would like advice on, do you think "sweet" was the right word on Line 3? I want to make it seem like the air was so good compared to the aor outside that it was sweet. Also, do if you have any areas where you think you could fit a rhyme? Lastly, I think it sounds weird when I wrote "fuel bars" in Line 6 what do you think? Thank you for the advice!!
This is my first poem, I really do not know how to write a poem. All advice is welcome!!
I know the format is kind of weird the first half does not rhyme, but the second half does, this is my first, if you have anything you could change to make it rhyme, that would help. Thank you!!
 

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3 Comments
  • rainandsonder

    contest results are up now!


    3 months ago
  • ajamwal ꒰•̹͡ິु•ິू꒱

    Whoop whoop!! Thank you, trying to stay active, can't wait to see the results!!


    4 months ago
  • rainandsonder

    this is really good, especially since its your first poem! i love the sensory details you have, the "prodigious skyscrapers" and the narrator pondering the stars being replaced by smog at the end. i also love the contrast you create between the air inside and the air outside. thanks for entering, results will be up soon!


    4 months ago