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Breaking: Teens Developing 'Superpowers' from Exposure to New ZPhone #Stopthepresses

July 15, 2019


Reported by Adren Allen for the Generational Times

      Previous studies on the effects of electronics have noted that children can experience eye strain and loss of sleep from excessive device use. Now, it appears that telekinesis and flight are side effects that come with the release of ZPhone 11. 

    "I always get annoyed at my parents for not closing the door when they walk out of my room, right?" Oliver Sutton, a fifteen-year-old from San Francisco, begins recalling his supernatural experience after buying the new ZPhone 11.
   "So, a few nights ago, my mom [left the door open], and I was too lazy to get up and close it, so I just... wished it were closed, like a thought in the back of my head? And it worked?! I don't new what episode of Odd Occurrences I was in, but I tried [moving] other objects, like my phone and homework, and was able to make them float, like, a few inches off my desk."
  Mr. and Mrs. Sutton note that Oliver had shown them his newfound ability with a chair, but immediately sent him to Urgent Care when his ears were found to be bleeding shortly afterward. 
    On the other side of the country in Boston, sixteen-year-old Anna Prentice caught the attention of classmates when she jumped off the roof of her high school and flew all the way to a Bart & Jeremy's Bakeshop in New Jersey. "I just got really tired of doing nothing in class... it's the last week and finals are already over, ya know? The night before I had tried out this new flying power I had gotten, and wanted to show my friends. I also wanted to give the class and [my history teacher] some cupcakes, so my plan was perfect." (Update: Anna has elaborated that she had found her gift of flight after jumping up on her backyard's trampoline and into "the neighbor's oak tree. It took forever for me to get back down, but anything is better than doing the history assignment I current have, so I was just messing around for about two hours," she said, shocking her oblivious parents.) The execution of this plan, however, was anything but perfect: Anna collapsed as soon as she landed a few streets away from the school, ruining the cupcakes and spending the last days of school in the hospital. Both her and Oliver's current statuses have not been released to the public. 

     These reports, along with many others, have been popping up all across America and around the world.
     In Japan (where the phone was originally made), an anonymous seventeen-year-old has recently been arrested due to public fear over his power to kill anyone he draws. Outside of the first world is extraordinary fourteen-year-old Mei Hem, whose bulletproof skin has given her the capability of bypassing security guards and assassinating several terrorist groups and corrupt government leaders in the Middle East, and is currently on the run to South Asia to do the same.

    While all of these stories are, frankly, really cool, the real question of what in the ZPhone 11 is causing these reports to be possible has not been answered. Luna Tiq, new CEO of ZPhone, has, strangely, not spoken up about her newest product's quirk. Very few scientific studies have been carried out so far, but radiation from the device could be the culprit. 
     How long will these powers last for affected individuals? Why are only adolescents being affected? Are we living in the latest Wonder movie, which will end similarly to Finale? More details on this story, coming up.


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1 Comment
  • r|A|i|N

    this is hilarious

    12 months ago