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19 and boppin

Message from Writer

out of the deck of lgbt cards, im the ace

im dippin in like one week y'all should know where to find me by now

the morning will greet me at last

June 28, 2019


i woke up in the middle of the night and thought for the first time
                            "i don't want to die"

an act of desperate love as i wiped away my tears under the cover of the night,
feeling each breath like a blessing,
air             in and out
                                in and out
                                            in and out

so undoubtedly alive that it hurt
but in a way that made me smile and wish i could live in this moment forever

is this what i'd been chasing for so long?
something to fill that empty space in me, to appease that black hole that threatened to cave in my ribs
the ugly glass shards that told me i didn't deserve the daylight

and, yes, i am alone at 3am in a house that's too quiet,
and, yes, the people in my life are slipping out of my grasp like mist in the morning,
and, yes, i may have been drowning for so long i can't remember air

but i am so alive and human in my stubborn desire to keep going
                        one day after another
                                        just an hour at a time

that somehow i reached the horizon and can see past the clouds
how long has it been since i thought the world was beautiful
that i wanted more than anything to wander the wide planes and see it all
that i was so happy that i could live in such a wondrous world

and maybe it's not that i don't want to die

maybe it's more that
                                    "i want to live"

hey that summer depression hit me hard and i haven't actually written in months so i wrote this at midnight near tears bc i want to write and read and do so much and im really happy that im here and have the motivation to exist again


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  • June 28, 2019 - 1:43am (Now Viewing)

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1 Comment
  • asteria

    this is so exquisite ! i'm so glad that you're back to writing, because you are so exceedingly talented at it

    "maybe it's not that i don't want to die / maybe it's more that / i want to live." those lines hit home. perhaps i finally want to live again. i don't want to just survive, i don't want to just prevent myself from dying. i want to feel that life is worth living again. that's a beautiful outlook to remember :)

    over 1 year ago