Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
I found a lot of the components in this story to be very unique and captureative. I think it’s really good how you created an alternate reality where pigs are the dominant species. I feel like this is a really good concept, and well executed.
I want to know more about Ab’negal! I feel like you were restricted in what you could write due to the word limit. I would absolutely love to read more about this universe, and Ab’negals life. Some dialogue would aid in that , and do you maybe want to expand this into a miniseries? I feel like that would be awesome, and I definitely would read it :)
There are a few things in this piece that don’t seem to fit, but I feel like they all can and will be fixed in your next editing phase.
The first was, how exactly do pigs handshake? They don’t have hands, so calling it a handshake seems almost wrong. Try to find a new phrase for it (what about a “stump bump”?)
The second was similar to the first; you say that Ab’nagel was “welcomed with open arms” when he joined school, but pigs don’t quite have arms. Try to come up with a less “human” phrase if possible.
And lastly, was when you wrote “young children have the habit of ostracizing people different from them”. This sentence needs some reworking for the same reasons as I stated above.
The reason why I suggest you change these things is because I found it hard to picture Ab’nagel as a pig, and this being a pig world.
Hi otuko! I love your story, and can’t wait to see what you do with it! It is such a heartbreaking tale. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with me!
Where did this concept come from? It’s really cool. Also, where’d Ab’negals name originate from. It’s a super groovy name. Best of luck with the contest!