Peer Review by Upsidownpenguin (United States of America)()

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This Is Where You Exit Scene

By: PouringOutTheSun


It was usually quite hard to remember a picture only so he could paint it later.

But there was something about Adoni right now, a dragon dying in her arms in the middle of a forest, no sound but her slow whispers in its ear.  The moon shone in through the leaves showing a special affinity for the dying beast’s scales and light refracted across her cheek. A cut of iridescence next to her eye, a shot in the dark.

Rivin curled his hand around the tree trunk and didn’t come in to sit beside her. It would be awful to intrude on something such as this, so he was content to just stand and memorize. Memorize the tail curling around Adoni’s body and the way her grief seemed to be stooping her over, making her curve herself over the dragon as if that could somehow protect it from the open stab wound in its stomach.

He also made a special note that the blood on Adoni’s sword was golden and not the red that he and her had been forced to bleed so many times by now.

The dragons breathing petered off and it’s wound stopped bleeding, no gold left to give. Adoni pressed a gentle kiss to the top of it’s head and placed it  softly on the ground before getting up and stalking her way over towards Rivin. “Could you paint her on the walls of the bathhouse?,” she said, her tone not showing that she had been crying all of two seconds ago.

“Of course,” Rivin replied, a quaver in his voice. “What was her name?”

Adoni stopped for a moment, pausing to wipe liquid gold off her hands. “Pompeiia ,” she decided. “Her name was Pompeiia.”

*/\*

Rivin had a lot of new blue paint but also had only time to kill so he thanked Destan and stared at the blank corner of the wall.

There wasn’t another event scheduled for weeks, but of course he was meant to go missing next so Rivin was understandably antsy. He had obsessed over Destan’s words on the topic.

And the fire wraith, the one who danced with rainbow touched divinity for so long, he’ll fade away like a mist. I suppose it never was his fault that his flame is so weak.

Upon reading this, for the first time, from the words that had unfurled themselves from Destan’s palm, he had laughed nervously and said: “What would we do if we didn’t have our own little prophecy forecast?”

“Probably not helplessly wait for one of our friends to wholly disappear.” Adoni had said flatly before leaving to hunt a dragon for a week. Wasn’t her fault though, just another prophecy forecast that they’re bound to. Keeps Aurelion safe and happy. Foretolds? Not so much.

Rivin never understood if he was to actually turn to mist or if he was to be kidnapped by some fanatic and conveniently made to never see the sky again. He didn’t give it much thought. It’s not something they did, asking questions. He ignored his flame, flickering in his stomach and behind his eyes, and decided what silver best suited the dragon’s scales and what brown best suited Adoni’s hair. He also begged Destan to stop bringing him blue pigment back from Woskervia. He had enough of the stuff, really.

And so he set about his task, immortalizing Pompeiia and Adoni on a wall in the bathhouse.

*/\*

They were in a series of interconnected underground tunnels trying desperately to find some sort of weirdly glowing artifact that would stop the war upstairs when it happened.

Rivin was stumbling along, at the head of the group with a small flicker of fire in his hand. Adoni and Destan trundled along behind him bickering about who should present the artifact to the water god.

“Adoni, he’s literally my Dad, I’m giving him the weird glowy thing.” Destan said, swinging his arms around too much for such a small area.

“Yeah, but I like weird glowy things so I think I should be allowed to do it.” Adoni replied, all eloquence and refinement.

“How about you both hand it to him?” Rivin suggested and they both groaned but put up no more argument.  Rivin smiled to himself, his heart swelling with affection for the two of them. Then he spotted said artifact. It shone dully.

“It’s ugly.” Destan said. “You can give it to him Adoni.”

“If you insist.” She chuckled and grabbed the cup. It left grime on her hands. The three of them stood still for a moment waiting for hordes of undead to grab them or for the tunnels to cave in on them.

Nothing of the sort happened and they moved out of the chamber again. This time, on the way out, Rivin ghosted his hand near a small archway. Flames were carved along the sides of it. He peered inside and Destan and Adoni copied him.

“I think I should go in and pay my respects.” Rivin said. It was a  fire wraith god’s old place of worship. It was only right for Rivin to step inside.

“Do you think that’s safe?” Destan asked cautiously. “You know it’s somewhat disrespectful if we follow you in there.”

“I’m sure what’s meant to happen will happen.” Rivin smiled sadly and stepped through the archway before anyone’s hands could have the audacity to try and change fate.

He stepped up the dais in the room, and sat on the stone throne washed in pretty half-light. He spoke to something with more authority than the divine. “If I am to fade away let it be here.” He echoed towards the cavern roof. The cavern roof did not deign him with even an apology but it wasn’t painful when his soul was washed away by the fire.

*/\*

Often Adoni stares up at the bathhouse wall and her whole body aches for the fact that Rivin did not paint himself up there with the strongest flame possible wrapped around him. 




Message to Readers

I need feedback!!! Quite desperately!! On anything really but very much about pacing and smooth continuity. Also, anyone got any tips on fitting everything I need into 1000 words?


Peer Review

I loved the imagery surrounding the dying dragon. The comparisons in their blood is captivating.


Adoni seemed to have a strong connection with the dragon. It would be great to hear their motivations as to why.


The fact of people vanishing isn't explained in a way that makes sense. I get that it is meant to be a mystery, but characters we barely meet begin talking about it, making the scenes with it less impactful.


Your imagery is excellent! It is captivating and absolutely wonderful to read.


Reviewer Comments

For getting under 1000 words, my only recommendation is cutting down on unnecessary sentences. If it doesn't contribute to the story, it shouldn't exist. That's my two cents anyways. It can be hard to determine where those sentences might be, and maybe you don't even have them.