Peer Review by bibliophile (United States)

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Unpromise Me #Lovegood_24'sContest

By: Bianca Singelstad


FREE WRITING

Darkness consumed her
a crack of light
was all she saw
for what seemed like
an eternity.
Minutes?
Hours? 
Days?
She wasn't sure. 

Each passing moment
was a bomb
exploding through her body. 
Eyes peeled in fear
thumbs trembling as they typed
a message to her mom
promising she was alright. 
Promising
she'd come home
and hug her so very tight.
Making promises
she wasn't sure she could promise.

A police officer heard her
and opened the cupboard door
where she was shaking
and crying
so unprepared for her life to end.
He told her it was over.
He promised she was okay
but that was a promise
that he couldn't keep. 

The school shooter was found
and was in custody now
but nothing could repay them
for the prison he held them in.
She could not cry for him
but couldn't stop crying
for the ones they had lost. 
She couldn't stop shaking
for all she had lost. 
She couldn't leave the house
for fear
that he was out there. 

 

"When the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep." - Dear Evan Hansen  

Message to Readers

Okay, I want to make it perfectly clear that I have never been in a school shooting or apart of one but I feel awful for everyone that has been. This story was based purely off of a true story I read off of the school shooting I read about Parkland and online stories. I understand that this is a difficult topic and in no way, shape or form am I trying to make it less than what it is.


Peer Review

(I didn't read your message to readers until after I read the piece.) I love the sense of mystery that this piece has. It makes it very intriguing. The topic that this piece covers is extremely serious, you covered it well. I feel like you really took the reader into your piece. I am blessed to have never been part of a school shooting, but your piece made it real for me.


Try to find places you could be more specific and add more details about the situation. I understand that some things are better left unsaid, but I feel like some places are a bit too vague. I'll let you be the judge of where you think you should add details.


Reviewer Comments

Despite the seriousness of the topic, you are able to keep it serious while also making it an interesting and intriguing story. This piece was deep and meaningful. Great job, and keep writing!