A Certain Type of Decisive

United States

Just your unfriendly neighborhood disaster, bringing you bi-weekly updates from the bottom of my own shoe!

Message to Readers

In the event of nuclear war, please stand by for reincarnation. Thank you for your cooperation. -Management


June 2, 2019

You've been here long enough
to know what it feels like
to shove your opinions at a stranger,
teeth bared,
daring them to hate it.
on "good" days
am able to tear out my own,
beating heart
and smear it on a page
to show the world,
hoping it fascinates them for enough time for another
to grow in its place.
a long time ago,
it was out of my comfort zone,
but I can't remember what it was like.
I remember I used to read books everyday,
to always be engrossed,
when that was the best part of my day.
desensitized me. I
would grow
my own consciousness
would grow into a character,
I would die
and be reborn,
and I would tear myself apart
just for fun
and cut it all off with a snap.
A new book,
a new life,
until I couldn't feel it anymore.
Too much stuff inside me.
You wish you had my dreams
and have nightmares about my nightmares.
At least I have away to grow myself in the ways I want.
It's more fun now,
being in control.
Because I found out,
not too long ago,
I was just an extrovert, filled with false propaganda,
but I can see it now.
The Audience has always called me.
here I am,
showing off.
Here I am,
bragging to anybody who will listen,
for a moment.
Here I am baring my teeth,
hiding behind a screen
because confidence is the hardest thing to come by.
I have too much.
And yet,
here I am
on the stages of your mind, 
praying for your applause.
This way I can't be hurt
when it doesn't come.
Confidence is either
being an audience to yourself, clapping overenthusiastically,
like a parent at a kindergarten graduation,
or being the kindergartener,
not knowing the difference between polite clapping and true clapping.
The world is your stage,
So even if you unplug,
You can't escape your Audience.



See History
  • June 2, 2019 - 4:20pm (Now Viewing)

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1 Comment
  • Loser

    Very raw...but brave writing.

    10 months ago