Wicked!

India

◢◤

ENFP-T

Daydreaming and procrastinating more than is healthy.

Writer's block and sleep deprivation are my constant companions.

Message to Readers

I have also written this story as a poem, go check that out! It has the same title (I suck at thinking of good titles for my pieces :/ )

I Had Promised Her | #Samina50

October 25, 2019

FREE WRITING

14
I sink to my knees. I can no longer do this. I just cannot. All around me, I see blurs of khaki, firing machine guns, fighting until Death beckons them. But I can no longer do this. Every inch of my body aches. I long for Death to take me into her arms and rock me to eternal sleep.  

I think of home; of the smell of the freshly ploughed cornfields, of the peace of the countryside.  

I think of Ellie.  

Her honey coloured hair, fluttering in the breeze. Her beautiful eyes, warm and brown. Her smile, enough to light up my day. Her clear, ringing laughter.  

I think of those days—working at the farm throughout the day, and then going for walks along the winding country roads, hand in hand with Ellie. The movies we saw at the cinema, followed, always, by ice cream at Billy’s. The countless evenings we spent by the river, surrounded by tall grasses, the occasional dragonfly fluttering by.  

I yearn to return to my home, to my Ellie. I yearn to return to that peace.  

“I know that you’ll give your best,” she had said, taking my hand. The setting sun had dyed the whole sky in shades of red and orange, and Ellie seemed to glow in the warm hue, looking like a goddess. A faint breeze blew, making small waves appear in the river. A dragonfly settled on her hand, flying away when Ellie reached out to touch it.  

That was the last time I had seen her.  

“I know that you’ll give your best,” she had said. I had promised her that I would. I had promised.  

I wanted to fly into the void, just like a dragonfly, but I had promised her.  

I get into position, but just before I fire,  a hand grenade lands right next to me.  

I hear Ellie's laughter just behind me, but when I turn, all I see is Darkness.  

I had promised her, but alas, I couldn’t fulfil it.

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11 Comments
  • Wicked!

    @Ursa thank you so much! Your comments are really helpful. The setting is supposed to be WW1, so I guess that it did kinda hit the mark :)


    6 months ago
  • Ursa

    Bittersweet turned bitter ...

    This is so vivid, I feel like I could hear a little song playing in the background, supporting your words.
    Favorite lines:
    "I long for Death to take me into her arms and rock me to eternal sleep." This easily could've come off as cliche, but somehow it did not, and it was the reason I was pulled to this piece out of your others.
    "I hear Ellie's laughter just behind me, but when I turn, all I see is Darkness." This is so ... peaceful, almost, the way he(?) confronts death. In my mind it played out in slow motion, all sound had gone except for Ellie's laughter.

    The section where he was reminiscing on his past was so clear, so nostalgic. It immediately drew me to a Vietnam war era, or WW2. It just had that sort of flavor.

    I do think that the way the last sentence wrapped up the ending was a little ... flat, I suppose. It might be my bias against a non-ironic use of the word "alas," but, additionally, I think that the way it ended in "it" seemed to be a bit underwhelming. You'd started a great suspenseful rise while you were reaching the end, but when you got there it kinda just ... didn't rise up to meet the challenge. In other words, the only place I can see in this piece that could be improved, is the way you word that last sentence.

    Great work!


    6 months ago
  • The Great Gabs-by

    I have written a review for this piece. You have good flow in your story without any swells of inconsistency or irrelevant information. I think you should be very proud of this work. It is simple and concise with a hint of nostalgia. You can take a look at the rest of my comments once the review has been sent to you. Continue to write:))


    7 months ago
  • Wicked!

    @buddingauthor thank you :)


    7 months ago
  • buddingauthor

    Oh wow this is a beautiful piece. Even though the ending is not a typical 'happy ending', it feels happy to me. Great job!


    7 months ago
  • Wicked!

    @Aurelia.Valus thank you so much :)


    7 months ago
  • Aurelia.Valus

    Wow, really nice job. I loved reading this, it was so beautiful! <3


    7 months ago
  • Wicked!

    @Juliana wow, that is a beautiful thought! Thanks though :)


    10 months ago
  • Juliana

    Beautiful!
    Here's a though: he promises that he'll give his best. Maybe he did fulfill his promise. Maybe that was the best that he could do.


    10 months ago
  • Wicked!

    Thank you so much @LyraLynne :)


    12 months ago
  • LyraLynne

    This is so beautifully written and sad. I teared up reading this. Incredible job!


    12 months ago